Tarzan
Surrender

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Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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Leavin' On A Jet Plane

The squad makes it to Xena's jungle. Ya think he might be in there, boys? Guns drawn, they point at every available vine and tree limb as jungle music fills our already wounded ears. I love the addition of the flute to the "tension." Xena flaps her arms in frustration. And Tarzan, who loves a good entrance, just jumps right into the middle of the cops, right next to Gene. I want to recap all of the cops' ad-libs for you right now, in the order they're said, because they're fucking priceless. "What's that?" "There he is!" "Hey! We got 'im!" "Freeze!" I think they might have all been said by the same guy, too. Then Xena: "John!" Then that guy again: "We got 'im." Then Xena again: "John!" Xena has her hand out, because Tarzan suddenly doesn't understand guns, I guess. Tarzan's wearing even more clothes than usual, if that's possible. He stands there, looking over the group of men with guns. Xena asks him not to move. Gene tells Tarzan that he's under arrest for the murder of Michael Foster. Tarzan has no choice left but to give Gene a serious model pout. He's too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING SHIRT! "Get down," Gene says. Aw, yeah! Here we go! Now squeal like a pig, boy! Closed captioning is in the mood, too: "[guns cock]." Dirty! Xena's also ready for some hot action. "Just do it, John," she begs, breathless. Tarzan sucks on his lower lip. "Do what he says," Xena whispers. Do it. Take off the shirt. Do it! "Do it, John!" Yes, Xena. Yes, Tarzan. Do it. Take off the shirt. Look how much Gene wants you to do it. Get down and strip. "Please!" Gene nods. Tarzan does this weird Mr. Miyagi thing where he slowly lifts his left hand for no reason. A cop comes behind him and dead-legs him to the ground. He pins Tarzan's hand behind his back. Gene makes a grumpy face. He takes the cop's place and puts a handcuff on Tarzan's left hand. Tarzan grunts and stares at Xena. Okay! Boy on his knees. Handcuffs. I think we got ourselves a party, y'all.

Suddenly, Tarzan whips around and attacks Gene. Dammit, Tarzan! You ruin everything! Tarzan climbs the walls, using one of the cops as a ladder. "He's moving!" Xena keeps calling Tarzan's name, and the cops continue to be bewildered as Tarzan leaps to the top of the greenhouse. Then, for no reason at all, Tarzan leaps back in again and knocks the gun out of Gene's hand. Then he punches Gene in the face. Gene flies back, and Tarzan disappears into a pile of plants about as thick as the gang of houseplants currently hanging out over my left shoulder. Gene touches the blood pouring from the gash on his face. "Get him!" he shouts. More bewildered cop gun-pointing. Then Tarzan leaps out of nowhere again and knocks down a cop. Tarzan flips and kicks another cop in the face. "John!" says Xena again. Nobody shoots Tarzan, even though all guns are drawn and aimed at Tarzan. It's not until Tarzan leaps again, just out of reach, that Gene shoots his gun, firing a bullet that must have landed in the brain of some poor tenant in Xena's building. Gene shoots some more, but Tarzan's using his Superman-given talent to fly through the air, diving into a pane of glass and disappearing, seemingly in mid-air, twenty stories up. So he can fly and he can disappear. Why can't Tarzan build himself a hut and get the hell away from these people? The only superpower Tarzan wasn't given was the power to create compelling storylines. The cops actually look at each other in a take before running to the open window and staring down at nothing, supplying one of the required shots on this show. The streets are empty, like all New York City streets are at night. Gene radios in that the suspect is on the run. Gene's partner turns to leave, and then stops and gives the most stilted arm-pat to Gene's shoulder that I've ever seen. Gene's too busy fuming to notice, so the partner runs off. Gene follows, cursing. Xena then walks up to the window. Once more, for good measure, Xena leans out the window, looking for the seemingly-vanished Tarzan. You guys? Look up. Tarzan's always on the roof, not the street. Man. Even I know that. Xena is alarmed to find blood dripping down one of the broken shards of glass on the window, and as in all crappy television show moments, she must touch the blood with hesitant fingers and hold it up to examine it. Xena looks out, breathless and sexy, until the opening credits ruin any hotness this show might have pulled off.

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Tarzan

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