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Leavin' On A Jet Plane

Xena doesn't have any lines at the top of this scene, so she stares out between some Venetian blinds, as all soap-opera actresses do while they wait for phone calls. It's Jane, and she gives Xena another number at which to call her back. I love how Xena writes down "555-0184" so she won't forget it when she immediately calls it back on her cell phone. See, Xena's getting watched from a car out on the street, and her phone line has been tapped, but somehow not all of the phones are tapped and the cops aren't very good ones, so really it's no big deal. Jane tells Xena that she needs to ditch the cops and take a few cabs and find them, because Tarzan needs Xena's help. Xena can't stop flirting with Jane. The closed captioning tells us that they edited out Jane telling Xena that Tarzan is hurt "badly."

Secret doctor's mansion. From way far away at the end of the hallway, we see that Tarzan's on a bed, being tended to by the doctor, and getting flirted with by Xena. Tarzan leaps on the doctor's hand. "Leave it in, John. You need it," Xena groans. Yeah. Do him! "It makes my arm cold," Tarzan says Australian-ly. Xena tells him that it's medicine to help him get better.

Jane's busy staring out some Venetian blinds. Xena enters and says, "'s'sall right. You can trust Ben." Xena peeks out one of the blinds. "We're safe." Jane, still staring in the other direction, in full soap-opera mode, says, "I don't know that any place is safe now." She asks Xena how Clayton could send Tarzan to prison. "I know what he wants," Xena whispers. "I just never thought he'd go so far to get it." After some staring, Xena walks away.

So the IA Guy is now in Clayton's limo, and I think he might be the head MIB from the pilot, maybe. Whatever. There's no point in trying to figure out who all of the nameless bad guys are. He tells Clayton that he's talked to the people at the DA's office, and that so far Ingram has stuck to the plan, even though he's an erratic flight risk. "I wish we didn't have to do this," Clayton says. "John is my nephew." Whispering now. "I saved him. I brought him back here. And I was prepared to give him every opportunity. But my sister...She's convinced him that I'm the enemy." No, that would be Jane. And why do we have to hear these lines every episode? "Just be sure Ingram sticks to our story," Clayton says out the window. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to your Minute with Mitch PileggiTM.

12th Precinct. Sam pours himself a cup of coffee. The lieutenant tells Sam he's got to have a partner. Sam calls the lieutenant "Lieu." I guess I can, too. Sam says he doesn't want to "housebreak some puppy." Lieu gets all wiseguy and says, "Hey, have a little faith, wouldja?" Sometimes the Lieu is looking right at us. Sam's interim partner is named Carey. He knows Sam from some long time ago thing that they don't feel like explaining to us, but since he's also an actor of color, I bet we're supposed to assume they know each other from "the streets." Carey tells Sam to let him know if he needs anything. This cracks Sam's shit up, for some reason, and they shake hands. Fine. Don't tell us anything. Lieu walks back in and yells, "Okay, listen up everybody. Please. Come on." The silent room tries to become more silent, as the Lieu said "please." He says their suspect is "different" and their usual tricks won't work. He says their taps are at Xena's place and Jane's place. Gene says that's the key: "We got to crack Porter." Lieu says he'll worry about that. Gene, forced to deal with the language limitations of The WB, has to say this line: "I bet she's doing him right now." And then he has to go even further and ask Sam if Jane's "doing [Sam], too." Sam says that Gene's mama's all Sam needs. Lieu steps in before the murmurs become too overwhelming: "Hey! Both of you! Cool it! Now!" Then that same guy puts that same lame hand on Gene's shoulder. Man, it's so ineffectual that it makes me howl with laughter. The lieu says he knows everybody's emotional about "Mike's death," but that they have to apprehend Tarzan without deadly force. He leaves. I'm bored.

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