Sam scares the pretty Felicity nurse by coming up behind her as she's locking up the office. He doesn't have time to act, because he's got a million words to say in less than fifteen seconds: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Listen, I was here before, I'm a friend of Donald Ingram's. You remember?" He apologizes again and says he likes Donald as much as she does, and that Donald's in some serious trouble and needs her help.
Pileggi wraps up our Minute With Mitch Pileggi™ by telling Xena he's not scared of Tarzan, but will take the necessary precautions. He says it's not a game with Tarzan. "It's a fight. It's almost...." Primal? "Primal." Jesus Christ, this show sucks. Xena: "Animal metaphors. Cute. Just remember one thing." Pileggi: "What's that?" Xena: "I can be a real bitch." We then get thirty seconds of Mitch Pileggi staring at air, grimacing and making faces. This show is one editor away from being the greatest comedy of all time.
So this is the place where I ran out of time and I had to put this recap away until just now. I'm still in a bit of a haze, because this is the first moment alone I've had since we were both last together as well. Anyway, it was sometime Friday morning, just after I'd had my shower, that I walked into my living room to discover my mom and sister watching Jane enjoy a five-minute car drive. "What are you doing?" I asked, using that same tone my mom would use when I was younger and caught watching Cinemax at 3 in the morning. "I didn't know there was a Tarzan," she said to me. "There isn't," I correctly informed her. I had to leave the room, because they were serious about watching it. Once I heard the sound of TiVo ending an episode, I sprinted back into the room, eager to hear all of their insults, secure in my family's power to dislike something so deeply it's as if the inanimate object in question had somehow once left one of our cousins at the altar. I found them both beaming. "This is really good!" my mom gushed. "What time does it come on?" "In the past," I answered, before looking at my sister, my savoir, hater of all things. She merely shrugged. "Not so bad," she muttered. So I write this recap now having disowned my family. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tarzan's roof, where he always is. He stares down at Greystoke.
Jane's cell phone rings. "Hey. Where you at?"
Sam's in his car, trying to get sixteen episodes' worth of plot into this one sentence: "You were right! Donald Ingram stopped taking his anti-anxiety meds a few days before the accident. And he had a reaction." He showed up at his doctor's office complaining of blind spots, headaches, and hallucinations. Now can they arrest the doctor for withholding evidence? Jane laughs. "What?" Sam cackles. Jane thanks him, saying that's perfect. Jane interrupts her own gushing when she notices something outside her car window. Sam asks Jane to finish her sentence. But Jane's hard at work again, and tells Sam that Pileggi's outside her car, so she has to go.