Tarzan
The End Of The Beginning

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Tar-Zan Adieu

Everyone in the courtroom stands. "Back to the one that I love." Hi, Xena. "Show me the wind that constantly blows." Jane nods for Tarzan to stand up, too, since the judge is entering. Why can't Tarzan's lawyer tell him what to do? Hi, Sam. "And I will fly away." I'm recapping the lyrics because I want you to be in as much pain as I'm in. "Fly away. Fly away home." Can't someone give Tarzan a suit or a ponytail holder? Jane nods to Tarzan again so he sits down. Finally, Jane's got the upper hand in some relationship. Maybe they'll give her the leash.

Tarzan pulls at his heels, and we see he's wearing loafers without socks. Carson didn't put together this outfit, that's for sure. And yes, let's all take this shot of the shoes as a shout-out to us, shall we? I do.

"Since we were parted, I know I have changed..." Donald Ingram takes the stand. "You see the blood..." The song gets interrupted by the courtroom proceedings. We watch Ingram commit perjury. The judge listens.

Then Ingram's nurse (not the doctor, who should be arrested too, right?), reports that Ingram had called in with hallucinations and blackouts. Shot of Pileggi going, "Oh." Heh. Might as well have him go, "I'm so screwed!" The nurse concludes, "And other symptoms." She says that's what happens "when you stop taking your meds." This is all so official!

The judge declares, in his best James Earl Jones impression, that Ingram's testimony is inadmissible. He says that this isn't enough evidence to proceed to trial. "I'm left with no choice," the judge says, as if he knows as well as the shoe-gazing Pileggi that Tarzan has killed many and will kill again. "Donald Ingram is excused. Charges against John Clayton are dismissed." He bangs his gavel and five people cheer as the music swells. Xena kisses Tarzan and says, "Well done, John." Xena and Pileggi share a look, long enough that we almost wish they'd get their spinoff where they argue over things we never see, like what Greystoke Industries does or how exactly Xena runs a newspaper. Pileggi leaves, and Xena follows him, presumably to consummate Tarzan's innocence in Pileggi's limo, all over Nash's bloodstains. Jane turns to Tarzan and smiles as the song keeps singing about flying away. "Jane," Tarzan says. "Thank you." Jane blinks. "You're welcome." And then: "Tarzan." And that's all for us, as Tarzan leaps the little gate they have in courtrooms and follows Jane. Somehow Tarzan's shirt changed from blue to mint green. Maybe it's like that stupid fabric we had in the early nineties that changed color in the sunlight -- only Tarzan's does it when he's proven innocent. "These hurt," Tarzan says, referring to his shoes. "Yeah, you know, so do these," Jane says. They take off their shows. Tarzan pulls his shirt out of his waistband, and we see three inches of the last of Tarzan's belly. Don't worry, now that this show is cancelled, I'm guessing we'll see much more naked Travis Fimmel. Tarzan and Jane leave the courtroom, and our lives, forever. The end.

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Tarzan

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