Greystoke. Mitch Pileggi is going over his contract with The WB, making sure he has script approval for the next show he's contractually bound to take part in. There's a breeze, so we know Tarzan's just committed another felony. Pileggi says, "John? You really have an issue with the front door, don't you." Tarzan walks up to Pileggi's desk and leans in. "I know what you want," he says. "You want me to stay here." Uh, yeah. He's only said it every single episode. Tarzan tells Pileggi that if he helps Jane and stops "awl" of this, Tarzan will stay. I do believe that monkey is hitting on his uncle. And Pileggi does a double take to the music. He's open-mouthed, amazed, so incredulous that he'll finally get his half-naked nephew all to himself. He's so happy about it that we have to dissolve into the worst opening credits of all time.
It's the last time I have to hear this song. I'm dancing to it. All around my living room. Feel free to join in. Ha. UselessNicki's still in the opening credits, even though she wasn't in 75% of the episodes.
Greystoke. Tarzan has changed clothes, and someone gave him a ponytail holder, and he's back to crouching and rocking, like he was doing in the pilot. Why is he not back in his old fancy cage? Why a new room entirely? Pileggi brings Tarzan a tray of food and says, "Morning, John." Aw, man. Someone put Mitch Pileggi in powder blue. That shit ain't right. Then they give him this mouthful of a line: "John, I want to thank you for cooperating this morning -- I know it was hard for you, but you got through it and I'm proud of you." Tarzan rocks. "John, the legal process is just beginning. The judge freed you on bail, but you have to go back and tell your story. If it goes to trial, it could take weeks." Huh? When did that happen? He was arrested? He saw a judge? What were the charges? "Trial?" Tarzan asks, just as confused as I am at the passing of time in the blink of an eye. "Yes, John. A murder trial." Tarzan gets snippy. "I didn't kill anyone," he sasses. Pileggi: "Yeah, I know that's what you believe." I guess the thinking was if they talked really quickly we would forget that what has apparently just happened is impossible. In the middle of the night Tarzan turned himself in, saw a judge, and was freed on bail? What did Jane think about it all? Is she off the hook now? Is Sam? Is Pileggi in trouble now for kidnapping Ingram? What? Huh? This show blows. And why didn't this episode happen three episodes ago? Tarzan asks where Jane is. "I imagine she's still in jail," Pileggi says. Tarzan sniffs and yells, "You said you'd help her!" Pileggi whispers that he's getting Jane the best legal help he can, but that Jane still has a lot to account for: "There was an eyewitness." Tarzan leaps into the air and is suddenly dangling from a rafter or something. "You made that man lie!" Tarzan sing-songs like Bill Murray about to get a candy bar. Pileggi yells for Tarzan to get down, as this is the exact kind of behavior that got him into trouble in the first place. Pileggi sounds like a mom. Tarzan asks Pileggi why he's doing this. "I don't know what you're talking about," Pileggi whispers again. Tarzan throws Pileggi to the ground and gets on top of him. He makes a fist and slowly says, "I didn't kill anyone." He lifts his fist, practically in slow-motion, giving the MWFs (long time no see, fellas!) enough time to run into the room and tackle Tarzan before he can throw a single punch. Tarzan screams and bucks, calling Pileggi a liar. His shirt rips open a little. Pileggi stands up and watches the MWFs jam a tranq into Tarzan's neck. There's some guy in a suit there suddenly, holding the syringe. Who's that guy? As Tarzan passes out, one man gently cradles Tarzan's chin in his hand. They lower Tarzan to the bed. Tarzan -- who's supposed to just have been given a sedative -- has every single muscle tense, every vein bulging. I guess he was given enough adrenaline that his tongue swelled, because otherwise this makes no sense.