Tarzan
The End Of The Beginning

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Tar-Zan Adieu

I don't know, you guys. In order to survive the rest of this recap, I may have to write it like I'm completely stupid. Otherwise I'm liable to get upset. And it's a holiday week and my family is currently on its way to my house for the holiday weekend, and if I spend too much time getting angry at this show that doesn't even exist anymore, it's not doing anyone any good. And I won't make my persimmon pudding because I won't have enough time. So instead of spending five minutes discussing why this next line is so stupid, I'll just write it down and move on. Know that if this show hadn't been cancelled by now, I don't think I would have survived the conniption fit this next scene would have thrown me into. Here goes. Pileggi stands at a window; two nameless dark-haired women in sweaters flank either side of him. They stare at what we assume is Tarzan. Pileggi says, "He's made tremendous progress since we brought him back from the jungle. His impulse control. His ranges." Then the French woman -- whom we have never met before, nor will we ever get to know -- says, "I need to spend more time with him." Have all the time you need, Frenchy. As we watch Tarzan get restrained to his bed in the background (so Pileggi must have used his space-time warp generator again to be in this place at the same time as the last scene), Frenchy tells Pileggi that if he uses an insanity defense for Tarzan's murder rap, then he might get placed under Pileggi's permanent care if he's found mentally deficient. She asks Pileggi if he is willing to deal with having Tarzan in his life forever. She calls it a burden. "Whatever my nephew needs," Pileggi says.

Sam busts Jane out of jail, teasing her for getting put into the slammer: "I just never thought I'd see the day. Jane Porter in jail. Mm-mm-mmm." He asks if she knows what her first problem was. "Not listening to you?" asks Jane. "Dayum!" Sam shouts. "Rehabilitation does work!" It's so dark in this jail. Jane smiles and asks Sam if he's enjoying himself. Sam says he is, under the circumstances. Do you think Jane misses her dead fiancé? Sam opens the jail door and says that Jane's free to go. Jane blinks a lot and says she doesn't understand. Sam says, "Kath-a-leen Clayton just paid your bail."

Casa Kath-a-leen. Jane has space-time-ripped over there, and is thanking Xena for springing her from the pokey. Well, at first she just thanks Xena, but Xena doesn't remember doing anything needing thanking, and so Jane says, "Posting my bail?" even though it's been four seconds since we heard that she posted the bail and man this show has been a serious waste of all of our time. Xena has a new haircut, and they're using so much product that it looks like her hair is greasy. And someone has given Jane a new dye job, but I think it happened halfway through shooting, because half of the episode she's a redhead, and the other half she's got brown hair with a more relaxed curl. Xena says that the DA called to tell her that Tarzan's now at Pileggi's, and that Mitch is going to try to have Tarzan declared legally insane. I love how we have to learn everything three times. "What?" Jane asks. God, don't repeat it! "Wait, why would he do that?" I don't know. He's normally so good to Tarzan. Xena explains that Pileggi's planning on getting control of Tarzan and his shares of Greystoke, while Xena is fighting the aiding and abetting charges. Yeah, we've been told all of this before. Xena whispers that she has friends "on the bench," and that she'll get an injunction to stop custody proceedings. Jane: "John's innocent. Right? He doesn't have to plead insanity." And then Xena says, inexplicably, "This isn't about the truth. This is about what we can prove." Jane says they'll prove it by using Donald Ingram. She picks up her cell phone and dials: "Hey. Sam, is your shift over yet?" Sam says he's off right now. Jane asks for a ride and a favor. That's two favors.

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Tarzan

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