Tarzan
Wages Of Sin

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We All Go Out the Window

Jane finishes her one tear and the hearse door closes. Then the insanely bad opening credits begin their painful wail.

Morning. Jane's house. Jane leans into her coffee cup and thinks as bad music plays in the background. She does exactly what I do next -- puts the cup down and rubs the migraine in her forehead. Then she rubs her head back and forth in her fingers, wishing this was all a bad dream, wondering what she's gotten herself into, wondering just how many times that Tarzan is going to escape and show up in her window, wondering why she doesn't just buy a damn screen already, wondering why everybody in New York keeps their windows screen-less, and their rooftops so empty. Anyway, Tarzan's back, and through her living-room window this time. Good thing Jane doesn't have a sister who lives with her. "What are you doing here?" Jane asks for the fiftieth time. "Your uncle's still looking for you," she adds. No shit, detective. Tarzan tells Jane he can tell she's hurt by looking into her eyes. Jane responds by keeping her eyes open as wide as she can for about thirty seconds. "You have to go," she says for the nine hundredth time. Hey, Jane. I think your sister's bedroom might be one of the safest places to stuff Tarzan. And I'll bet she'd like some hot monkey loving. There's this thing that happens when they do close-ups of Tarzan's face when he's about to talk: he doesn't look hot anymore. He's all square and mouth-breathing, and his nose looks too Sean Penn-ish for his face. Jane finally blinks with an eye-roll and tells Tarzan she asked him to leave. Tarzan says he wants to help her. Jane does the full soap-opera body spin, with her head starting lower as she blinks furiously to bring up the tears and deliver the cliché: "I don't care what you want." Tarzan swallows a bit, hoping we think that means he's "choked up." Jane continues: "How many times do I have to tell you that? And now someone is dead." Yeah, just some guy. "Michael's dead." Not to name-drop, or anything. "Because you won't listen." And maybe because you keep finding Tarzan and asking him to solve your cases with you. "So please...leave me alone." Tarzan lowers his bottom lip to expose his tiny bottom teeth, turns on his heels, and jumps out the window again. Nice pants, Tarzan. Jane walks to the empty window and holds the breezy curtain.

Strange time jump to, I guess, a few minutes later, when Jane is standing in front of her refrigerator with her hands on her hips and Nicki is asking if she can ask a question. "Yeah," Jane says, reaching out and grabbing Nicki by the hair before she passes. "What's up?" All casual like that. Nicki: "Why do you have to lie to protect this John guy? Just tell the truth." Geez, Nicki, last week you were all, "When you elope with the monkey, will you be Mrs. Jane Tarzan, or can I just call you second banana?" Jane says she can't tell the truth. "But he killed Michael!" shouts the girl who was strangely absent from the funeral. Jane turns and says that he didn't kill anybody. "Tried to save Michael," Jane says, so unable to believe her own lie that she has to roll her eyes while shifting her head at the same time. "Michael is dead," Nicki says, because somehow we might have forgotten that someone died, and that someone had the first name of Michael. "And you were there, you know what happened," Nicki adds, just in case you're just tuning in, maybe because you've heard all the good praise about this show that has caught America's attention. "Why aren't you going to say anything?" Nicki whines. Jane says that would put Tarzan in danger, both from his uncle and from the other cops. Nicki blinks a million times and relents. "I don't understand," she says. Hey Nicki, get in line. "Then you just have to trust me," Jane says. Oh, is that all we have to do? Because you're so good at what you do, Jane. Nicki stares at Jane for a while, clearly not trusting her, and I'm thinking soon this tertiary character will be visiting her mom for good.

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Tarzan

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