Tarzan
Wages Of Sin

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We All Go Out the Window

Wow, this is so lame. So there's a shot of Tarzan walking through Times Square. He's walking across traffic, and we're supposed to believe he's still barefoot, which is the worst thing I can imagine. But I do believe I see tiny flip-flops under his feet, covered by what's supposed to be his baggy pants. Pan way back until we mostly see New York City. It's hard, though, because we're busy vomiting from the song telling us that everything is going to be all right.

I don't know how Tarzan keeps finding empty streets in New York, but he's got some kind of jaywalking karma. As he walks through the mostly-hazy shot, I begin screaming, "Take off your shirt!" The song sings, "And if I told you/ That I'm sorry/ Would you tell me/ You were wrong?" No. "Would you hold me down forever/ If I came to you for answers?" Yes. "I saw/ Pictures in my head./ And I swear I saw you opening up again." Dirty. If you watch this scene sped up, you can see Tarzan's runway walk is workin' it. Also, I love the tiny ripped collar. So very '80s. Lovin' it, Tarzan. Now it's night, and we're still in Times Square. Matt Nathanson tells us it would be heavenly if we could rescue him now. Sorry, Matt. You got yourself into this bullshit. Nobody's pulling me out, either.

Is it night now, too? When Sam and Jane are talking to the ransom parents? That's a little confusing. "So what happens now?" the mom asks, almost echoing the last words of Matt's song. Sam says that the FBI is working on it all, and not to worry. The drop site will be under surveillance, so when the kidnapper shows up to collect, they'll follow the kidnapper until they find the boy. Yeah, it always works that easily, doesn't it? The father reminds Sam that the email said there couldn't be any cops. Yeah, that's usually what it says. "Maybe we should just pay," the dad says to his wife. "They won't see them, sir," Sam says. How do you know that, Sam? The mom says, "My baby might be dead." Jane gets so doe-eyed that I want to trap her in my headlights before I hit her with a Jeep. "Try not to think that way," Jane says to the mother. "There's still a lotta hope." Man, I wish she'd break into song. Mom says it's hard when you lose someone. "Jason isn't lost," Jane says. "And we're gonna help you find him." But then that would mean that he's...lost. Oh, this is like when Jane says the law isn't about what's right and wrong. That silly Jane. She always forgets what words really mean. Sam and the tearless dad exchange looks. The mom and Jane exchange looks. And then Jane busts out with a smile. What? Hi, parents of kidnapped boy. Who are you guys? What do you do for a living? Why would someone take your son? Any suspects? What's the email address that they used? And when was the last time you saw your son? Who is he? How old is he? What's he like? What are your names? No? Nothing. Fine. Then I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS SUBPLOT.

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Tarzan

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