Tarzan
Wages Of Sin

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Pamie: D+ | Grade It Now!
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We All Go Out the Window

If it's Tarzan, then it must be raining. And it's night. Jane stares doe-eyed at a limo parked right outside the station. Jane never carries a purse. And she's soaking wet just from being outside for ten seconds. The limo window goes down: Xena is inside. She arches a sharply waxed eyebrow in Jane's direction. Jane looks back at the station. Man, there's never a cop around when you need one. Jane almost gets hit by the Scariest Cyclist Of All Time. It's a tall man in shorts, wearing a heavy blue coat with something strapped to his back. And I think he's wearing a mask over his face, under a red cap. He looks like the Jack in the Box CEO. As Jane runs to the limo, she holds out one hand toward off-camera, so we're supposed to imagine her one hand stopped all of New York traffic. Since we're in New York, nobody honked.

Xena scoots over to make room for Jane. If Michael's favorite opening line was "Hey," then Jane's is this: "What are you doing here?" Xena says she can't find Tarzan anywhere, and asks if Jane has seen him. Jane says she saw him this morning. Xena asks why Jane didn't bring Tarzan to her. "Because I wasn't thinking, and I was angry," Jane says. "I told him to leave." Xena reminds us all once again that it's dangerous for Tarzan out there. They keep saying it, but I think it's more dangerous when he's around cops and Claytons. Jane's all teary, saying she's sorry, but she's not a part of this family, and already this case has cost her too much. Yeah, these are lines you might recognize from every bad cop movie you've ever seen. Xena, unsympathetic toward Jane's dead fiancé, says she hopes to find Tarzan before Uncle Skinner does. And with that, Jane gets out of the limo. It drives off, and Jane heads back into the station. Why did she leave the station in the first place? Wait...wait. She's not going into the station. She's stopping. She's standing still. She's thinking. She turns around. We see an overhead shot of Jane looking toward some trees. The back of Tarzan's head comes into frame as Jane turns back around and runs into the station. That crappy song starts up again. Tarzan stops leaning over the rooftop. He walks away. At some point, it stopped raining.

Pan down to Tarzan sitting on an alley street. The song keeps getting worse, echoing Tarzan's "feelings." It's raining again. Tarzan is shivering and pouting. I wasn't going to do this, but I must reprint these shitty lyrics. "I'm surrounded/ You spill all alive and brand-new./ And I'll forget about you long enough/ To forget why I need to/ And I saw pictures in my head./ And I swear I saw you opening up again./ Cause I would be heavenly/ If baby, you just rescue me now." Is he singing to a woman, or a tributary? What's with the spilling and opening? And how can you be heavenly? Commercials. Finally, something that makes sense. And more nudity than on this show.

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Tarzan

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