Temptation Island
Goodbye Singles/Hello Final Date

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Stee: B | Grade It Now!
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Six Against Nature

Hey kids. Enjoy your week off? This was to be the last show, but Fox has decided to stretch these last two shows into three. Thus, prepare for a lot of filler. Maybe we'll even get some insight into Mark L. Walberg's world or an explanation for the random dogs we keep seeing. After all it is Temptation Island y'all. Anything can happen.

"Previously on Temptation Island"…Random shots of the fourth dates as Mark L. Walberg blah-overs that the news that not-picked-for-final-dates hos would be sent home "rocked" the island. More random shots of the kids looking shocked. Shannon hammers home the fact that she's "shocked" that everyone else is being sent home. In a bravado display of hyperbole not heard since Don King's last press conference, Mark L. Walberg calls the aftermath of the announcement an "emotional frenzy," saying that Billy was pushed over the edge by the painful possibility of the third date with girl ho Vanessa. Yes, let's all feel bad for Billy that he might have to go out with a nude model. Yeah, even if she does have a horse-face. Billy and Kaya walk along the beach; Billy yells at the cameraman to leave him alone and that this is not about the show but about his life. Uh, someone missed the point of reality shows, and I'm not talking about the producers of Big Brother. Billy says that he would hate it if he got busy with Vanessa but Mandy didn't smooch anyone. That's really not a big worry there, pal. We then get some footage of the guys picking their girl ho final dates. Billy gives in to his "connection with Vanessa." Yeah, his dick -- her mouth. That's the connection. Kaya doesn't take out Megan, but rather Alison, therefore freeing Megan to be picked by Andy. Andy instead picks Elizabeth, telling us that Elizabeth touches him more on a physical level than Megan. (Read: he's getting petty revenge on her for smooching Kaya.) Megan is forced to leave the island along with my sad girl Britt and the other rejected girl hos. Megan cries to us. We closed the week, about to see the ladies' final date selection.

…And that's what we see. "Women's Resort. Day 11." The Music of My Tennis Elbow plays as we get some Island Prettiness. More Island Prettiness giving way to the Island Ugliness that is Mark L. Walberg. Mark L. Walberg stretches the show by once again bad-dub-asking the girls if they'll agree to what Mandy wants -- to take out a boy she didn't specifically go out with but rather one she hung out with on the Triple Date. Fake Drama. Fake Tension. The girls say yes, obviously not giving a shit. Mandy's hair is still in the Modified Ten Buns of Ugly, and really, it might be the most hideous hairstyle I've seen since some of Patti Labelle's. The boy hos lumber out onto the beach as Mark L. Walberg hands the ladies bouquets for them to give to their guys. Mark L. Walberg has the four guys who Shannon dated step forward: Charlie, Tom, Matt, and Dano. Mark L. Walberg asks her to make her choice. We see brief shots of her with the dates. I think that since Mandy is eligible to date the other guys on the Triple Date, so are they. Why do I even care? Yeah, I don't know either. So the bikini-clad Shannon gets up and heads to the guys in slo-mo. They drag the fucker out with shots of the other ladies, even though we all know what's coming, and it does. Shannon hands the Bouquet of Possible Sex to Tom, the Ivy League and liked-by-everyone guy with the bad rapping. They hug. The other guys clap. Shannon presses her breasts and pelvis into Tom. He grabs her head awkwardly, and voice-overs that he hopes by the hug he gave her, he showed how happy he was to have the opportunity to bloy blang bleh. Who cares? Just fuck her already and let her realize there is a big bad world out there aside from Pansy Handsy Andy. Shannon tells us that she thinks Tom is different from who she thought they'd put on the show and that they really connect. What's with everyone and the connecting this week?

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Temptation Island

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