Temptation Island
Goodbye Singles/Hello Final Date

Episode Report Card
Stee: B | Grade It Now!
Six Against Nature

Night. Island Tiki. Andy and Elizabeth with a little private pool, just like where Johnny and Mandy made out. They swim and make the terrible small talk of the really popular kids in high school who grew up but never progressed past that point, socially. Elizabeth flirts about her towel falling off and Andy tells us that there is on-camera Elizabeth, and the Elizabeth he knows and wants to bone, and on this date he's getting almost all on-camera Elizabeth. As they put on their robes, he continues that there is a five-year age gap between them, and he can feel that in her actions and words. Okay, I have to agree with him there. Andy does seem more mature, which is a really sad statement for Elizabeth. That must mean she's, like, two. He says that "back in the day" he would have liked her but that he's not really into it any more. Elizabeth then brats to us that Andy was fun and he is a "very unique individual," but that she's used to being treated like more of a lady. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, after she blows a guy in the back seat of his car, he usually gives her a swig of his Budweiser. Back at the lodge. She lies on the bed, and he asks whether she thinks she "fulfilled [his] dream date." She bitches, "You do have a girlfriend." Ooh, now he's just sort of half-heartedly trying to guilt her into giving up some booty. He tells us that he thinks he's been "more than accommodating to make her feel comfortable" and that she hasn't reciprocated; he's ready to go back. He heads off into a separate wing of the cabana for the night, leaving her to slut, "What, did you grow up in a barn?" as she closes and locks the door behind her.

Somewhere else. Tom takes a photo of Shannon on their balcony. Shannon tells us that she's been looking for an opportunity to be alone with someone she connected with. They eat dinner and continue to bore us with their back-and-forth voice-overs about how much they like each other and man, just fuck already, okay? He says he's gotten closer with her in the last few days than with any woman he's ever had a relationship with. What? He must be drunk, or the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends. They hug on the balcony. Lightning over the water. The Fake Enya of Impending Booty Smacking plays as they shut a door and head to bed, Shannon telling us that Tom was "even more that [she] expected." Lightning.

Uncomfortable dinner. Valerie and Dano. Valerie talks about Kaya, wondering if he did something for which should she forgive him. Poor Dano, again. I've officially taken all my sympathy for Billy in earlier episodes and given it to Dano now. Dano tells us that it's "tough" because she'll be okay for a minute and then she'll again starting thinking of "her man, Kai." She continues that she knows Kaya wouldn't have sex with anyone, that it's "a given." Hm. Well…fuck it, I'm just confused now. Dano tells us that Valerie loves her man. Valerie wipes her face with her napkin, putting grease from her hands all over her forehead. She doesn't apologize to Dano, instead just saying that it's happening again, that she turns into a pumpkin at nine o'clock. They walk to the cabana, Dano asking Valerie to slow down -- we can't even see her she's walking so far ahead. Now Valerie is in her bathrobe, hugging Dano and thanking him for a "wonderful date." She closes her door. Dano is left sitting on a couch, dissed, with the crew staring at him. He's smiling, humiliated. He laughs then puts his finger in his mouth and mimes shooting himself in the head. Hee. He should go out, find an island whore, and fuck her in the living room. That's what he should do.

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Temptation Island




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