Temptation Island
Goodbye Singles/Hello Final Date

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Stee: B | Grade It Now!
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Six Against Nature

Caves. Kaya and Alison, all shiny and almost naked with spelunking lights on their heads. Kaya says that being left (by their guides) alone with Alison, it dawned on them that they were in one of the most remote spots in the world. They find the tented environment ahead of them, glowing like a big bubble or an altar. There are candles and food and mattresses under the tent. Kaya says that all the taxing physical work was worth it and it's clear that Alison was the one to bring -- that she was his "main temptation." A candle…the candle…blows out, over-dramatically, pitching us into darkness.

Dinner. Mandy and Jon eat. She tells us how "romantic" and "tender" and "beautiful" it was. They talk and clink glasses. He compliments her hair. ["Finally freed from the Ten Buns of Ugly, it really isn't that bad." --niki] She tells us that she felt herself sinking into a comfort level she didn't think she could achieve without Billy. They walk back with their drinks. Jon says, "My hammock or yours?" Man, that's the punch line to a really good Skipper /Gilligan joke. They stop and kiss. A real kiss. They hug for a long time. Mandy tells us that her heart has been beating fast not because she felt bad, but because it felt so good and she was waiting for this moment for the whole date.

Billy and Vanessa. Vanessa compliments Billy's boxers. They lie very uncomfortably on the bed. He tells us that he feels like he should do something, and also not do anything. He tells her, "This is the most awkward possible thing," as she hits him with pillows. I wish a cameraman would whisper to him, "Dude, I just saw tape of Mandy's date. Trust me. Do something." Now Billy sits by a tree in the daytime, telling us a very concocted story about how when he was a kid he used to hold his most "valuable object" out the window, seeing how loosely he could hold it without dropping it, and that's what he feels like he's doing with Mandy. Oh, for fucks sake! Well, aside from calling your girlfriend an "object," just…shut up you muttering, guilt-ridden, whore-for-a-girlfriend, waiter dipshit. I liked you, too! I really did. Go read. I've been pulling for you the whole time, but enough is e-fucking-nough. Even Ghandi's wife at some point said, "Dude, enough with the fasting and the parables, can you just fuck me already?" They continue to lie next to each other, as Vanessa touches his nipple. They culddle in slo-mo.

Now the action couple. Mandy and Jon lie in a hammock and whisper to each other, rubbing each other's legs, all intertwined. It's nine hundred times sexier than Vanessa and Billy in their ugly room. We get subtitles of Mandy's terrible grammar, "It's funny 'cause I want to be so affectionate with you, but I know we're both tryin' to be good behaved." Hee. He says that he's "really trying" and she dick-teases that she's "enjoying an amazing moment with an amazing guy." She rubs his thigh and he licks his lips. He lies, "There's no one I'd rather spend this unique experience with than you." That was it, because she purrs, "Jon…do you mean that?" She's practically sliding her panties off as she talks. He leans into her as the cameraman backs far away: "I don't feel bad if you don't." She responds, "I don't feel bad at all. Not a bit. I'm so comfortable with you." They say how much they wish they had more time together. And as they kiss in silhouette, she asks, "Am I going to hell?" Moon. And a graphic reading, "Stay Tuned for Scenes From The Final Episode."

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Temptation Island

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