Temptation Island
Goodbye Singles/Hello Final Date

Episode Report Card
Stee: B | Grade It Now!
Six Against Nature

Close-up of a crab scurrying up the beach. "Women's Resort." It's the final dinner. They all toast. Mark L. Walberg tools in. Again, they all pretend to be happy to see him. They're good at that by now. Mark L. Walberg tells Mandy that she gets to pick first. She cackles. Shannon pouts. Shannon is second, Valerie is third. The dates are all "really great." One is a rustic, romantic rainforest lodge. The second is Francis Ford Coppola's lodge. I wonder if they make a series of disappointing films there. The last is a small private island with its own chef and butler. Dano says that they all "sound awesome." Valerie glares. Man, she's already having a shitty time and she's not even on her date yet. Mandy and Jon pick the first, more rustic lodge. They "wooooo!" Shannon picks the one with the private butler. Dano and Valerie get FFC's place. Mark L. Walberg starts saying something, and they blatantly dub over him saying the disclaimer about separate accommodations being available at each place. Lord, that's funny with the fakery. Valerie tells us that she doesn't know whether Dano is going to be joking the whole time or make a move on her. Shannon says that she's sure Tom is wondering if they might connect romantically, and that maybe he should indeed try something; she's not sure what she would do. We see a tiny little dog in the background. Mandy and Jon grab a bottle of wine and their plates and walk to the beach as Mandy tells us something about the nature of "temptation" and the fact that she usually wouldn't be "allowed" to have Jon but now she can -- but the whole time I'm just looking at her bicep. It's kinda scary. She and Jon hug. Commercials.

"Day 12." Man, that was a too-quick break. Doesn't Fox have more shit to advertise? I guess they gave up on Monkeybone already. Morning. They pack. Mandy tells us that it is an automatic response to bring a photo of her and Billy, but that this time she felt like she "didn't need it." Valerie. She says she's feeling "blah" and is taking extra vitamins. Yeah, she is indeed sitting with a pile of about forty different tablets, downing them all. Man, she must pee bright orange. Valerie is such a spoilsport. I am indeed starting to join the masses in disliking her. She's just unpleasant. Ooh, you know who she'd be good for? Mark L. Walberg. They're sort of similar somehow. She says all she can think about is Kaya and what's going to happen on the final meeting "tomorrow."

"The Kids Leave" Montage. Andy brats that he's "psyched to get a mud bath." Kaya would like to give Andy a mud bath. (Okay, that was wrong.) Boats. Dano sits on the front of the boat. "I'm the moto-dork of the world!" Graphic! "Mandy & Billy's Final Dream Dates." The Music of Please Have Some Dirty Sex On Our Show starts as Jon and Mandy arrive at their lodge. Mandy says she has the "best date." Meanwhile, Billy and Vanessa arrive. Billy tells us that it's not fair to their dates to be thinking of their girlfriends right now. I'm so sick of Billy's hand-wringing at this point that I'm considering cheating on him. Vanessa shoves her monkey-lips in the camera and says that she's going out with "Billy, the most favorite guy." Hee. She's so stupid it hurts. Two lambs run away from her. No, really. She "ooohs" over their lodge, sitting in a big chair. Billy says that it's weird how Vanessa knows exactly how he's feeling and goes on about how this has been the "toughest thing [he's] ever done in his life." Yeah. It's so fucking hard to be on a cool date with a nude model. Starving children in Africa feel your pain, Billy.

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Temptation Island




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