Temptation Island
Ho On

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Ho three times on the island if you want meeeee

A minute ago I was watching Temptation Island 2 and my cat sat in front of me staring at me for five minutes, then puked on the rug and ran away. And she even had a week away from all the ho-osity. I guess a week wasn't enough, considering how she had to sit through the Facts of Life Reunion movie last week. Poor kitty.

Previously. By some weird twist of fate I still don't understand, Keebler Tom has to decide between Genevieve and Catherine. He works Catherine into not being mad. Meanwhile, Edmundo has a big lap-dance party, and psycho Hillary who is not even his girlfriend gets jealous when he gives some to Pink. Bonfire. The girls watch the secret admirer tapes. Catherine cries. Nikkole doesn't give a shit. Then Keebler Tom makes a tape about how he wants to steal Catherine away from Edmundo. John declares him to be "a magician with words." Stee declares John to be "a douchebag with a soul patch."

Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Genevieve wakes up. She voice-overs that she chose to come to TI2, not Tony, and now she's found that she was just nitpicking and she already misses Tony. She's been keeping a journal. Hmm -- I wonder if she uses a pen, or writes with her fangs in blood. She breaks the lens with her piercing, evil eyes as she tells us that her journal is to remind her of stuff she wants to tell Tony. Ooh, we get a reading. "Tony, you are amazing. You know me better than anyone on this Earth." (A few people on other Earths know her too, I guess.) She goes on to say that without Tony she wouldn't be where she is. The eighth-grade poetry continues as she camera-talks that she tells Tony to be a man, but maybe she needs to let him take control a bit more. Y'know, one would think she's learned something and this is all very laudable and good. However, my take is that Genevieve needs some fawning that Tony gives her that she misses, and she came on this show to get attention and belittle Tony, and now, in a bigger, more subtle power play, she's deciding she's had enough and is going to expect Tony to have had enough as well. She goes on that she felt jealous when she saw Tony holding hands on his date and it felt good for her to feel that and she doesn't need to see it again. She cries, telling us that at the end she's going to give Tony a big hug and never let go. Isn't that what pythons do?

Beach. Chair. Ladies. The toolishness that is Mark L. Walberg. (No opening sequence this week, huh, buddy? No big speech and sad open arms. Poor you.) Mark L. Walberg kisses all the girls; they barely tolerate it. He says he hasn't seen the girls in a while. So, the girls say. The girls don't know what this meeting is about, and he tells them that they have to get rid of one of the remaining eleven boy hos. Suddenly we see the boy hos standing there, and Mark L. Walberg tools on about who you're least attracted to and doesn't hold any answers and consensus and good luck. The ladies get up and chat. Genevieve wants to get rid of marble-mouthed Jeff, and Nikkole does too, but then they say the other boy hos hate Jeff but that's not a reason, and then they discuss Omar, but Nikkole likes Omar with the abs and he's nice, and there's a shot of Juleby, and Nikkole reluctantly agrees to whatever they decide, and they sit, and Mark L. Walberg asks if there's a consensus, and Nikkole says no but she's outvoted and then makes Shannon be the one to do the deed. So Shannon laughs as she does whenever anything occurs in life and walks straight over to Juleby and gives him The Necklace Of Buh-Bye and says that none of them really got to know him, and he's sad but says it's cool and hugs his boys and walks off. I just realized who Juleby looks exactly like: The lead singer cartoon character of Gorillaz. With the snaggle teeth and hair. Man. Shannon is sad for him. The girls wave as Juleby, seeming nice, lies to himself by telling us that he could have done something if he wasn't blocked from Catherine, but he couldn't get anything going with the other girls and he'd rather let his "boys go to work." He leaves. So sad.

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Temptation Island

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