Temptation Island
Holy MatriTony

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
First Comes a Terribly Repressive Love, Then Comes Marriage

When is some female (or male) hip-hop star going to step up and refuse to buy into the ho and Cristal and backing-that-ass-up and thong and titties and "you can fuck me whenever you come off tour" thing and say enough already?

Okay, bring on the sluts...

Opening. Four couples. Incredible journey. Island Prettiness. Mark L. Walberg tool-overs about being single again and testing devotion and have I found the one. The kids are shocked as they have to say goodbye. Tony and Genevieve on a trampoline. That's funny shit. Nikkole and Tommy walk dogs. John and Shannon ride bikes. Catherine watches Edmundo shave. Yeah, that's just about right. Hos Wide Shut. Catherine is excited. A month, they'll ho. Loser hos booted. Bonfire. Confront emotions. Videotapes. Kissing. Kissing. Shaking. Narrow the field. Exotic final date. Reunite. Confess. Decide. Mark L. Walberg walks sadly down the beach on a date with his invisible girlfriend, and the cameras catch him so he opens his one arm to the world and welcomes us, much like Tattoo welcoming us to Fantasy Island. And much like Tattoo, Mark L. Walberg will spend the rest of his career trying to achieve the heights of his one hit show, and failing over and over.

Previously...Genevieve yelled at Nikkole and the boy hos. She wanted to leave. Nikkole and Firefighter Tommy dug each other. They had a nice date and hugged. (Tommy is alive, by the way. Good news.) Catherine and Keebler Tommy rubbed mud on each other. The cameraman lovingly panned across Catherine's titties. So did we all. Edmundo and Hillary got down in the dark. She bit off his finger. Medic! Medic! He didn't know "emotion" could evolve so quickly. It's called a boner, dude. It takes but seconds. ("Butt seconds." That's what Edmundo got last night. Hee, I'm funny.)

Morning. Hillary and Edmundo sleep together under a dirty yellow blanket as Hillary camera-talks about how great it was and how Edmundo's everything she wants in a man. Meanwhile, Edmundo tries to downplay it, saying that he thinks she could potentially be a cool chick. In an overhead shot, we see a big yellow dog sleeping on the floor near them. Whose dog is that? What the hell is going on? Like many cheaters before him, Edmundo sneaks out the door while the ho dreams her slutty little dreams. Hillary doesn't know what's going to happen with him and Catherine.

John. Morning. He walks out to the beach to see if he got a video message. He opens the box, and there is one! (Edmundo opened the box last night. See? See? Funny.) Shannon tells John that they're really strong at the core, and that their relationship is built on trust. She guilt-trips him hardcore. John camera-talks that he saw fear in her eyes, particularly because her ex cheated on her while she was sleeping in the bed.

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Temptation Island

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