So as I called it, Fox executives who cautiously only ordered six episodes of Temptation Island were, indeed, slamming their heads into the wall with frustration and thus figured out a way to squeeze more juice out of this runt of a fruit: they are expanding these -- the last two scheduled episodes -- into three. What does that mean for Fox? More ad revenue, as TI has grown to be one of the highest-rated shows of the season. What does it mean for you? One extra recap. Eight thousand more words of ill will and contempt thinly masking keen interest. What does it mean for me? These last episodes will have even more filler and nonsense to wade through. I can't tell yet if that's good or bad. I'll let you know. One thing it unfortunately might mean is more Mark L. Walberg, and really, increased ad revenue or no, that's no good for anyone.
Aw hell, look at that -- no intro this week. I guess they figured out that if we didn't know how the show worked by now, we were living in a cave. That, or they just didn't want me to be able to skate by three minutes of the show by just posting the same intro as the last four recaps. Either way: damn you Fox. (Oh, and damn you Fox for not making sure The $treet killed Thomas Everett Scott's career for good, as I just read he's been cast as the lead in a new hour-long on one of the other networks. Man, Fox. You really can't do anything right, can you?)
"Previously on Temptation Island"...Random shots. Belly licking. Island Prettiness. Mark L. Walberg's eczema-inducing voice-over begins. He tools that, last week, a shocking discovery was made -- that Yahtzee and Taheed have a kid. We see ProducerChris confronting them with the bust, and their not apologizing, but rather Yahtzee's smugly accepting their offer to put them up in another "location" to work on their relationship, saying that one can either run away or deal with the situation, and she chose to deal with the situation. That's like walking into a store, shooting someone in the head, and then, when you're in court, patting yourself on the back for being brave enough to be in court. Or having a kid and then shouting from the rooftop, "I take care of my baby." Or entering into an eleven-year fake marriage arranged by a wholly evil cult, and then having the courage to admit the marriage was a sham. Oh, I guess that last one doesn't really fit. So anyway, next they show the kids making their selections for the triple date. On that date, Mandy and Tom swim and drink. Shannon tells us she really likes Tom. Mandy says Tom tests the boundaries for her. Mandy has boundaries in dating? What, like no anal before the salad course? So Mandy and Shannon both want some Tomcat. Mandy whore-dances all over Tom. Meanwhile, Andy and Kaya both dig them some Megan. (This time, we will simply assume that Kaya really digs Megan. Let's make the stretch. That Mandy is not a stripper, however, is a leap of faith I'm not prepared to make even for simplicity's sake.) Andy, whose third-degree facial sunburn has progressed to the point that he is about the color of Ice-T, and I ain't talking the drink. Schmonfires. Both the guys and girls decide to lose the "blocks," allowing their partners to date the most "temping" ho. Mark L. Walberg chumps, "We're going to a new level now!" They then watch the "after-hours" footage. Mandy says of Billy's striptease, "He looked like a whore." The Coconut of Irony immediately falls on Mandy's head. Once again, we see Kaya acting out his gay-rodeo fantasies. Mandy whine-stomps around, and then leaps out of the boat and cries in the bathroom. She tells us that if Billy wants to ruin their relationship, he should "be [her] guest." She weeps, "God I hate this. I hate it so much." Word, sister.