Temptation Island

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
I'm Not a Skank, Not Yet a Hooker

Mark blahs that on their final dinner before splitting up for the show, they were both crying and thinking they had an unbreakable relationship (how can you break that which is not real?), but then came missing each other, and the videos. Mark, starting to cry in such a pussy fashion, describes a scene in which he saw Kelley go into a room with a dude (Keebler Tom) and get into bed, "and it wasn't easy." I don't think being in bed with the suck that is Keebler Tom was easy for Kelley, either. Oh yeah, but Keebler Tom, in his own puppy-dog way, justified her existence for that one night. And of course, that's something she needs. Desperately. Constantly. Mark goes on that meanwhile he was doing whatever he was doing on his side of the island and though the girl they picked for him (Magalie the whore who showed her vulva to all of Costa Rica) sucked, he did find someone. He tries to describe Debbie, but Kelley doesn't give a shit. Mark cries...cries, saying, "She's a model in L.A." Hee. Heeeeeee. He lies that Debbie has a lot going for her -- implying that he means something other than her honed-over-years- of-practice blowjobs (no teeth at all), which of course, we all know, is untrue. He continues, losing Kelley, that Debbie has stuff that Mark thinks Kelley is lacking. Word, that's a fucking dis.

All right, so it's more fun from here on out to pretend that Mark actually cares about Kelley and girls in general, so let's run with that mostly false assumption. He continues that they had a good time last night, but did not have sex. He says they cuddled and shit, but that every time he was with Debbie, he was thinking of Kelley. He cries like a big fucking girl, saying that everywhere he went, he thought of Kelley. He goes on, saying probably the worst thing a man has ever said to a woman when actually trying to be nice: "So I learned that even though you were lacking some things, I would rather be with you." That's his decision. Kelley weeps, unable to believe she went out with this fuckhead, dipshit, lame-brain in the first place. Mark L. Walberg says it's Kelley's turn. Good: shut up Mark. Both Marks.

Kelley. Talking. She says that coming there was the first time in her life she was ever alone, and she was afraid. She moans on that Keebler Tom took her under his wing and they kissed and she flipped out because Mark kept coming into her head (as opposed to Keebler Tom, who was busy coming on her head) and it felt wrong and she had to keep reminding herself that she was there to try to get fame...I mean, "to be single for a while." She continues on that her third selection was someone to whom she felt more attracted (poor Keebler) and with Ali, she felt that she'd known him for a long time and he treated her like a lady and lied that she was worth everything that she wants and she shouldn't feel less of a person, like she does with Mark. (Man, dudes will say some fucking crazy shit to get laid.) She cries more and more now about an amazing connection and they snuggled and kissed and held hands and she didn't sleep with him, "...but I let him treat me like a lady." (In other words, he went down on her.) She goes on that cunnilingus is extremely important to her and it's something she needs and, really crying now, she says she realized from "these people" that she has dreams and needs and wants and that she doesn't want to put them aside anymore. She says she can't stay in Tampa because there is so much more in this world for her. Crying. Crying. "I have to get out of this relationship," she says. Heeeeee! Mark L. Walberg smirks. Mark throws a Kleenex in her whore lap and gets up. HAAAAAA! Heee. Hoooooo. Hoooooo. Heeeeeeeee. He walks away. She cries. The Music Of The Show Finally Breaking Up A Couple plays as Kelley weeps us into commercials.

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Temptation Island




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