Temptation Island
Putting The “Ow” Back In “Power Dating”

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Let's Go To The Videotape

Doesn't Herb Ritts have anything better to do than to direct J. Lo videos? No? Oh. Right. The '80s are over.

Let's start the slutfest, shall we? Plane montage. Plane montage. Mark L. Walberg tool-overs about four couples and testing boundaries and answering ultimate questions. Mark L. Walberg's ultimate question is, "Can I get through another day without sneaking into the kitchen at 3 AM and going Meredith Baxter-Birney on a quart of ice cream, a loaf of bread, and a sleeve of Oreos to fill the pain and emptiness?" Remote location. Single again. Have I found the one? Horse montage. Montage of separation. "It all begins...now." Hos Wide Shut. Catherine says someone got her all excited in all the right ways. What, they announced a special on implant maintenance? Slut montage. Date montage. For nearly a month, they'll ho around. Kissing. "She's bad, man. But 'bad' meaning 'good.'" Hos are booted. Bonfire. Confronting emotions. Videotape. At the end, the kids will narrow the field to one. (Man, it's like we're about to jump into Act Two of fucking King Lear or something with all the exposition this show takes.) Exotic final dates. Reunited. Confess. Decide the fate. Mark L. Walberg walks alone down the beach, stretching out his arm in supplication, surrender, and pure, sad, pitiful, ugly, open, and never-to-be-fulfilled, need. Logo!

Previously. First date. Catherine is excited to be "single" again. First dates. Emerging love triangles. Hillary loves Edmundo. Rossi and Keebler Tom love Catherine. "May the best man win," geeks Keebler Tom. First bonfire. Videotapes. The couples get upset. Nikkole cries. Catherine is sent into an emotional tailspin. Of course she is.

Ladies' side. "One hour after bonfire." Catherine cries. Nikkole doesn't give a shit. She voice-overs that bonfire wasn't "negative, per se" for Catherine in that Hillary didn't talk shit about her, but Edmundo is going to need to realize what a good stripper girlfriend he has. Nikkole gives Catherine some tough love, saying that Edmundo doesn't feel the same way about her. Catherine doesn't hear, and pretends she's back in the Acting For The Camera class she took at community college and stares at us, telling us very "sadly" how much she wants Edmundo to use this experience to realize what a good girlfriend he has. She was hurt and saddened by bonfire. So were we all, honey. So were we all.

Second date selection. "Power dating." The editors layer on fake applause and love for Mark L. Walberg as he comes out to the pool area in front of the hos and couples. The hos will come around to each temptee, spend two minutes with him or her, and then switch -- until our kids have had a "Power Date" with each ho. Then they'll list their top four picks for their next date. Gay and stupid enough for you? Good. The drum sounds and it starts.

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Temptation Island




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