Temptation Island
Temptation Island: The Wedding

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Forever Hold Your Peace

Ah. The palm trees, the waves, the sand, the sight of the sweaty and uncomfortably needy former fat kid Mark L. Walberg. Yes, kids, in the wake of the long-awaited decline of reality television, Fox realizes that though we may not have much of a stomach for violence and peril right now, we can always handle drunk, naked, beautiful people fucking each other. And thus, to help launch Temptation Island 2, we get a reunion special of sorts, Temptation Island: The Wedding, named as such because there is nothing Fox viewers like more than hos and people getting hitched under stupid circumstances.

Dressed in a nice suit, Mark L. Walberg -- the man who makes me laugh so with his needy, constantly ignored, toolish self -- stands in some lake-filled country club. He says that we'll soon start Temptation Island 2, "but what about last year's couples?" We'll get new interviews and never-before-seen footage and learn which couple is still together, which has broken up, and which is getting married right here at the end of the show!

After a weird little montage, Mark L. Walberg -- looking a little puffier than his already puffy self did last year -- talks about how one couple is getting married, and then launches into a recap of what Temption Island is all about. Over a montage of last year, Mark L. Walberg tools about couples and two weeks apart and the girl hos and boy hos and island paradise and exotic dates and testing relationships and have I found the one or is there someone better and stunning bonfire and decide the future of their relationship. He says that all three couples (Taheed and Yahtzee, after embarrassing the producers with the revelation that they had a kid, are not mentioned anywhere) left the island together, but once the show became a blehnomenon, pressure came and "fame" and their relationships were tested further and shit. Mark L. Walberg repeats himself and then asks us who is going to be getting married. Oh, they're going to make it a big guessing game. Pretty sneaky, Mark L. Walberg.

Walberg talks about Kaya and Valerie, and how Kaya had fun on his dates while Valerie just missed her gayfriend...I mean, "boyfriend." We see footage of the final bonfire with the sweaty-ass Kaya. Valerie stiffly reads her speech to Kaya, to the effect that she used to act on temptation in past relationships. We get a shot of her now, with slightly longer and blonder hair, telling us that she used to slut around a lot because she could never find a man who could "satisfy [her] fully." Ew. Kaya was monogamy boy. Now Kaya -- looking the same but less sweaty -- tells us that he never dated much; she says she thought he should get out there a bit, and he agrees. This is happening in separate, current interviews. Confused yet? Not worth it. Now from the show, Kaya tells us that he came to find his "market value." CurrentKaya laughs and says he can't believe he said that. Montage of Kaya dates. Girl Hos are saying that Kaya is their favorite. Dates with Allison. Pretty pretty Allison. CurrentValerie says that all the girl hos used their pussies to get with the men while the boy hos just asked the women temptees about their relationships and were gentlemen.

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Temptation Island

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