The Numbingly Long Intro of Exposition. Shots of the kids all on the initial plane ride. Mark L. Walberg does voice-over as we get shots of Island Prettiness. He gives a massive speech because this show is so complicated -- or they think we're so stupid: "These four couples have embarked on an incredible journey. Although they're in committed relationships blah test their devotion blah 'have I found the one or is there someone better out there for me?' blah They were separated from their mates and sent to opposite ends of the island blah twenty-six singles blah in search of romance. For two weeks they will mix, mingle, and date blah the least compatible singles will be voted off the island blah after each date they will confront their emotions at Bonfire blah videotape of their partner's experiences on the other side of the island blah each will narrow the field to one with whom they will share an exotic final date... blah reunite on the last night of their journey to confess their experience to each other and decide the fate of their relationship blah find out as these four couples embark on a once in a lifetime journey here on Temptation Island." During that epic fucking monologue, we get a fucking tsunami of images. Shots of the couples with their length of relationship posted. A shot of Billy with hair. Shot of final dinner. Meeting the singles at the swimming pool. Horseback riding. Hot tubbing. A butterfly being held on someone's stomach -- mostly likely then killing the butterfly in the process. Hot tub. More date montage. Andy is tempted. A shot of the girl ho the boys are kicking off the island this week. (Nice going, ruining the surprise for the few paying attention.) Blonde girl ho jumping on Billy. Kaya cuddling (with a girl, shockingly enough.) Girl Bonfire. Mandy crying. Boy Bonfire. Billy slamming his head into Andy's shoulder in pain and jealousy. Kaya kissing someone. Shannon on dreadboy's lap. Hick blonde girl ho and Taheed snuggling. Valerie and Kaya together. Billy and Mandy. Billy sad. Shannon and Andy. Andy sad. Billy. Taheed. Yahtzee, Mandy having taken her hair out of the terrible mistake that was the Ten Buns of Ugly. Kaya all shiny. Mark L. Walberg on the beach. His arms wide open. Welcome to this place. He'll show us everything. Beach. Swirly beach. Helicopter-shot swirly beach. Logo!
Oh Jesus. More exposition. "Previously on Temptation Island," the Voice of Shit that is Mark L. Walberg continues. Couples arrive. They are introduced to "hand-picked singles." They make them sound like pints of ice cream. We get brief shots of some of their introductions, and I'm going to guess that they are mostly the ones who will figure into things down the road. Evan. Allison. Greg. Lola. Johnny. Megan. "I like it hot!" "Show me something wet and wild!" Kaya is thinking again about his girlfriend doing things with another guy -- a smile on his face instead of concern and jealousy. The kids "blocking" the singles that they were most worried about so they can't date their mate. Blocking. Blocking. Billy disses the masseur-tool by dropping his bracelet in front of him. Andy says that the boy hos are all "just regular punks." Shannon says the boy hos were hot. Final dinner. Goodbyes. Sad goodbyes. Yahtzee and Taheed fight. Taheed is pissed off that they left fighting. "Thirty minutes after leaving the girls, the guys found themselves in the middle of a raging party." Carla annoys me. Carla annoys everybody. Taheed smiles. Meanwhile, Yahtzee cries and the girls all comfort her. Whew. Are we done yet? No. Shit.