Temptation Island
The Blind Date

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Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Reality Bites. Mark L. Walberg Blows.

Island Prettiness. "Day 4." Mandy, sitting in a hot tub, tells us how making their own fun last night put them in a good mood and that they all woke up happy. We get a shot of her getting out of bed and a little stuffed monkey falls out from between her legs. Of course it does. So the girls head out to sit on chairs on the beach where Mark L. Walberg shows up. Man, it was nice to be without his toolish presence for a while, wasn't it? He explains that what the girls did last night, "from [their] gut" (whatever that means), was correct and that now they are going to do the same thing again. You can tell he's pissed off that they stole his thunder by doing their own little tribunal last night, fucking up the show and rendering today much less dramatic. Man, we get a shot of Shannon in her bikini and Lord, does her cup runneth over. "I'm going to have the guys line up. I'm going to give them, like, fifteen seconds to make their best plea as to why you should not vote them off the island." "Once again," says Yahtzee. Ha. Valerie shoots Mark L. Walberg a look that could burn ice. At least she has good taste in which men to hate, if not in whom to love. He continues that he's then going to ask one of them hang "the necklace" on the guy they vote off and "they're gone. Right now. Off the island." Mark L. Walberg looks around fawningly, very proud of himself and looking for the love and encouragement he never got growing up as a pudgy, Jewish kid in the WASPy neighborhood, vowing one day to show all these goyem. And when he finally got his own "wacky" morning radio show in Tulsa he was sure he had made it. But it didn't stop the pain. It didn't quiet the voices. No. Mark L. Walberg had to be on television. And he was going to do anything to make it happen. Anything

Oh right, sorry. I digress. Back to the recap. The guys start coming out. Dano says that he's a funny guy and wants to show them a good time. Matt says the same thing. Evan says that he's a nice guy who just really wants to talk to them and find out what their men haven't been able to do for them. Ouch. ["And…shyeah, right." -- niki] Yahtzee nods knowingly. Sean says that all the girls are beautiful and that the main thing is just to be good friends. He gives a thumbs up and Yahtzee throws him a tight little "okay" which means, "Pack your bags, touchy boy." Greg says that the girls are pretty, and Maceo says that he'd like to spend more time with them. Poor weird Charlie speaks in Italian to them, which is kinda charming. Dreadlock Johnny says that he loves to have fun, to be silly, and to love. They're keeping him. Jon, the normal guy, says that he's the tallest guy on the island. The girls applaud him. In line, the guys slap him high fives. Tom starts rapping. Tom, the white guy. "You see I'm Tomcat here coming straight from the top. I wanna make it clear that my beat is not hip hop. [No shit.] I'm the boy who collects the groove, with a little bit of funk that will help you to move. I'm the groove collectah." Wow. The girls, for some reason, probably out of their sense of charity, decide to keep him. That was worse than when Sam Malone rapped the sports on Cheers. Yikes. So Keith tells the girls that he'll keep them oiled up, won't let them burn, won't give them bad food, and will make sure they have a great time. They "awwww" him for some reason and tell him thanks. He walks away, very proud of himself for his slick ways. It's sorta sad, in that not sad but hilariously pathetic kinda way. "No pressure. No pressure," mumbles NormalJon.

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Temptation Island

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