Temptation Island
The Blind Date

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Reality Bites. Mark L. Walberg Blows.

My local Los Angeles Fox station news break tells us that we'll meet the guy booted from Temptation Island and find out why he doesn't even care. Ha. Maceo, working it. Here's my prediction: insane asylum within ten years.

So Fox really doesn't care about biting the shit out of Survivor, which, in a weird way, you have to sort of admire. The guys are led across the island to a bonfire with seats and candles and, yeah, you saw it every week this past summer on CBS. Mark L. Walberg sits down across from the guys saying, "What a night, huh? Beautiful." Hee. No one answers him. Oh shit, one of the screws on my desk chair is loose. What do I need to fix it, again? Oh right, a tool. That's it. So Kaya lies that the Bonfire thing was a mystery (your sexuality is the only mystery here) and that it was very dramatic and no one knew what to expect. Mark L. Walberg says that tonight is about "opportunities" and that they will have the opportunity to see videotape of the person their chick dated talking about the date. Billy, a little too dramatically this time, grabs his heart with his hand and looks down, exhaling. Mark L. Walberg goes on to explain that it's a choice, and that he wants to be clear that whatever the guys choose, the ladies, when he meets with them later, will have to follow (next week it will be the opposite.) So if Billy wants to see Mandy's videotape, she'll have to see his. And similarly if he doesn't want to see it, Mandy won't get to see his. Got it? Got it. The guys all "react" as Mark L. Walberg lets them think about it and "play it out in their minds." The one good thing about Mark L. Walberg is that he gets to business quickly every fucking once in a while and here he quickly asks Kaya what he wants to do. Kaya says that he doesn't want to limit Valerie's choices and so he won't look at the tape, which makes less sense than anything I've heard on the show yet, but whatever. Andy says, "Good call, Kaya." Billy's turn. He thinks and then says, "Show me," smiling. Mark L. Walberg hands Billy a little video unit and the other guys ask to watch and he says yes. Billy wears headphones but the other guys react like they can hear too, so I'll just add that to the list of things that make no sense on Temptation Island. So we see the videotape and Keith talks about Mandy getting to do something that she's never done and how it had to excite her -- obviously he's talking about diving but it's one of those Three's Company moments where he could be talking about sex. Billy smiles. Keith calls her a mermaid. Keith says he'd love to go out with her again. Mark L. Walberg asks Billy what Keith said. He tells him. Mark L. Walberg asks if Billy is "challenged" by that and he replies that it's "tough to say." He can see how Mandy could like Keith, but then again she has "so many types." Ha. Eh. Again. Poor Billy. Billy doesn't look too upset, but, yeah, kinda.

Taheed's turn. He wants to see the tape. "Okay, my friend," says Mark L. Walberg, handing over the device. So sad -- Mark L. Walberg is so hard up for friends that he considers Taheed one. Taheed watches Sean lie that he and Yahtzee were very compatible. Everyone laughs when they see Sean. Sean goes on to say that they "could have" had a good time but she got pissed and that she doesn't like him much right now. Taheed is very happy. Andy says something as Sean babbles on that he'd like to meet more women but he already has two bracelets and he's still blahing away as Taheed takes off the headphones. Taheed says that he was disappointed that it was "massage guy," but it doesn't sound like the date went too well. "Look at that smile," says Mark L. Walberg. I want to punch him. It looks like Mark L. Walberg wears a lot of eyeliner. It does. Anyway, he reminds Taheed that now Yahtzee gets to see his tape. He goes to ask Andy. Andy says that this is supposed to be their time to do their own thing and so he doesn't want to see the tape. "That's a pretty safe way to play it," says Mark L. Walberg. Andy shrugs. "Cool," says Mark L. Walberg. Dick. Mark L. Walberg goes on that they have more to talk about, that each guy now has the chance to record a one-minute video message that Mark L. Walberg will deliver to the girls in the morning. "What's the down side of this?" asks Kaya. "This is too good to be true!" say Billy and Kaya both. They both want to do it. Andy says that he's in. Taheed says, "No." Drum of Relationship Instability. "You don't want to talk to Yahtzee?" asks Mark L. Walberg. Taheed explains that he was embarrassed and hurt by the way they left things and that she needs to think about the way she acted and that he won't give her the satisfaction. Wow. What a dick. Really. "Tough guy. Good call," says Andy. I guess everything is a good call with Andy. "I think I'll shit on Andy's head." "Good call." Mark L. Walberg sums up and says that they will now record their messages. Kaya tells us that he can't fathom the fact that Taheed chose not to record a message and that it's like a "slap in the face."

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Temptation Island

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