Temptation Island
The Blind Date

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Reality Bites. Mark L. Walberg Blows.

First is Kaya, who gets to date Alison, the twenty-eight-year-old Playboy model / doctor who probably had to give up the extra "s" in her name to pay for Med. School. (I also don't mean to be more snarky than usual, but yo, do you really think she's a doctor? Like a real doctor, and not like just some self-proclaimed "Doctor of Footrubs" or something?) So Kaya tells us that Alison is just his type (of course, except for that not-having-balls-and-a-three-o'clock-shadow thing) and that he likes how she spent all night last night getting ready for their date (which, given the fact that she's just wearing a tank top and little make-up, is not understandable -- unless of course she got that boob job just last night). So then Alison breaks it down with the efficiency of words, if not accuracy, that we'd expect from a Playboy model: "He's a really hot guy." Now we meet Charlie, Valerie's twenty-eight-year-old talent-coordinator date. How much you wanna bet that "Talent Coordinator" means that he introduces girls over the sound system at a strip club in Miami Beach? He goes on to say that because they both live in the same city and because Valerie is physically attractive, "[he] thought it might be an excellent date…it might be really, really cool." Valerie goes on to say that the date started off roughly, as she was on a boat heading out and she came across Kaya and Alison, laughing and having a really good time. Bad news. Sorry Charlie. We get slo-mo shots of the two "couples" as Valerie says that it made her "sick." Well, you know what makes me -- oh my God! Commercial already! In the immortal words of Inside The Actor's Studio host James Lipton last week with Mike Meyers, "You know, sometimes, life is very good."

Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Small plane. Kaya and Alison chat (his boobs are almost bigger than hers, by the way.) ["And don't think he doesn't want us to notice, either." -- niki"] He tells us that he and Valerie laid down the ground rules that either of them could pretty much do whatever they wanted during the two weeks on the show. "Hold back nothing, go with the flow. Go with what feels right." I wonder if that means Kaya will indeed find a man to sleep with. The daters hike. Hike. "Whoo!" They see a butterfly, but no one holds it over anyone's stomach. Someone takes a photo of them. Swimmin' pond. Graphic: "Blue Hole National Park." Oh Lord, how many "Blue Hole" jokes can you make in ten seconds? Go! They swim. Frolic. Kaya goes on about how Alison is the "physical manifestation" of what he likes in a woman. Notice he said, "in a woman." Verbal loopholes all over the place, my friends. I'm just telling you. But yeah, Alison is crazy hot. Kaya voice-overs that he is "literally having so much fun," literally abusing the word "literally" beyond recognition.

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Temptation Island

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