Temptation Island
The Blind Date

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
Reality Bites. Mark L. Walberg Blows.

We see Yahtzee and Sean in the short bus, "In Route [don't they mean 'en'?] to Xunantunich Maya Ruins" and Sean talks about his mom. He tells us that he knew he and Yahtzee would hit it off since they are both massage therapists. We get an incredibly funny montage of Sean talking. Talking. Talking. Yahtzee looks out the window, bored beyond belief. I almost feel sorry for the dude. Sure, this is partially the editing, but I can see him going off like this, the dick. "He talked a lot, and the things that he said didn't interest me," says Yahtzee. At one point she gives him the "blah blah blah" hand and he doesn't even catch on to it. Now that's bad, y'all. While Yahtzee is considering jumping out of the moving short bus, we see Taheed and Lawonna having a great ol' time swimming at "Five Blue Lakes National Park." Lawonna tells us that Taheed is a turn-on and that he has a "smooth operator edge about him." So does Sade, but that didn't keep her from only doing drugs and crashing her car in South America in the last ten years. Now we get a miserable-looking Yahtzee sitting in an outside bar thing with Sean. He goes to try on a crazy shirt, while she gives serious death looks and tells us that "conversating [sic] with Sean irritated the heck out of [her]." ["Oh, whatever. He may have been a dork, but she was totally, painfully rude. And she's trying a little too hard to make herself seem intelligent. 'Conversating' indeed." -- niki] She berates him oddly for not having pulled her chair out, and then tells us that Sean was a pretty package but that's all he should have remained. Yeah, as pretty as any tool can be. Show me a shiny monkey wrench and I may "ooh" and "ahh," but it's still a tool, people. We see Lawonna and Taheed in the short bus. Taheed busts a total dickhead move by telling us that this was the best date that he ever had. He could have stopped here, but he goes on to compare it to his first date with Yahtzee, you know, his girlfriend, which wasn't nearly as good. Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Man, I'm tired already.

Now we move on to "Andy and Shannon's Blind Dates." Andy's date is the twenty-five-year-old and very cute Megan, a school teacher. Seriously, my school teachers never looked like this. I thought my fourth grade teacher, the buxom Canadian Ms. Levy was something special, but I think I was swayed by the fact that she taught us about the vagina. Because of that, I even forgave her that she made us learn the capitals of all the provinces. Although, the word Saskatchewan still makes me giggle. So Megan water-skis as Andy sings the praises of Megan. Megan then lies to us that Andy is "cute" and that he's on her "Cute List." What, the list of Billy, Taheed, Kaya, and Andy? Yeah, I bet he could make the list of the top four most eligible bachelors on her side of the island, too. Slo-mo water-skiing. Blah. So now we're in a plane as we meet Shannon's date, the twenty-nine-year-old Matt, a public relations manager. Shannon tells us the first thing that turned her on about Matt was that he said if anything happened, he's sure it would be a slow, over-a-long-period-of-time process. Yeah, I've said the exact same thing as I pulled off a girl's pants. Anyway, Shannon and Matt head to a baboon sanctuary where they watch monkeys run around and yell at each other. Next we see Andy and Megan at "Shark Ray Alley." A group of sharks hang around as they sit on the edge of the boat. Andy keeps touching Megan on the legs as he then tells us that he is a leg man. He goes on to say that Megan has about a "eight-and-a-half" in terms of legs while his girlfriend is "right behind" her with an "eight." Diss. Now Shannon's Matt goes on to tell us that he is a "booty man" and that he doesn't care about breasts -- though, he tells us, Shannon has a great pair. Shannon and Matt toast to being "in the same frame of mind." My cat jumps up and slaps me in the face, telling me that I promised her Road Rules was over for the season. I try to explain that this is actually a different show, but she just pukes on my fax machine and stalks off.

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Temptation Island




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