Temptation Island
The Blind Date

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Reality Bites. Mark L. Walberg Blows.

On the boat, Andy then asks Megan if she's "ever made a guy cheat on [his] girlfriend." The home-wrecker takes offense to the word "made," saying that it takes two to tango. Indeed it does. It also takes two morons to agree to be on this show. Elsewhere, Matt and Shannon head to "Oliver's Winery" where Shannon orders such wines as "cashew." Ew. She goes on to tell us how happy she was when Matt bought her the wine, saying, "The only potential problem that I see between Andy and I is his careers don't produce the highest income imaginable." She says that it was "a thrilling change" to have Matt insist on paying. Man, that's kinda cold. I mean if it weren't Andy and we didn't hate him already, it would be cold. Speak of the tool, Andy and Megan return home happy from their date. They lie in a hammock and Andy tells us that as a "temptation," Megan was a perfect choice. He keeps touching Megan's thighs. Ew. And also ew for the cameraman all zooming in on her thigh.

Now we get "Mandy and Billy's Blind Dates." The Music of My Leg Spasm begins as Mandy gets on a boat with her date, the twenty-six-year-old entrepreneur, Keith. Really, what is an entrepreneur exactly? Doesn't that just mean he really is a temp but he has a great idea for a pizza joint / comic book store? Keith sings the praises of Mandy (leaving out the fact that she seems really easy), telling us that she is the type of girl he "likes to hang out with." Yeah, the type of girl who will blow you for buying her a plate of Moons Over My Hammy at Denny's after taking her to see Gladiator at the $2.95 movie theatre on Beverly and Fairfax. Mandy and Keith take off on a boat. Billy's date, meanwhile, is the twenty-five-year-old bartender, Lisa, who I can tell is already going to annoy me because she has a thick southern accent and reminds me of my neighbor, Joey Lauren Adams, who keeps me up with her loud hick parties with the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band blasting. Lisa, who sounds like she's been smoking three packs of Lucky Strikes every day since she was ten, rubs suntan lotion on Billy's back on a boat somewhere, and tells us that Billy is "the hottest one," and that she knew they would have a great date. They stop the boat at the "Hol Chan Marine Reserve" and get ready to snorkel as native boat workers openly ogle Lisa's titties. Montage of underwater diving with the fish and the coral and the shit you've seen one million times before. We do get a nice shot of Lisa's vagina as she kicks away from the camera before they finally surface and head back inside the boat. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen," Lisa warbles, sounding like Flo telling Mel to kiss her grits. Billy stoically tells us that Lisa has a great personality "which is essential to having a good time." Lisa looks great in a bikini, by the way, but I imagine that's the reason she was picked. It certainly wasn't for her sultry and soothing voice.

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Temptation Island

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