Temptation Island
Touched By An Island

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Kaya's A Rock. Mandy's An Island.

Hey kids. This is it. This is the final one. The final show. The final Temptation Island. I'm so goddamn excited. Well, okay yes, right now I'm watching The Andy Dick Show instead, but I don't really think I actually need to be watching Temptation Island to recap Temptation Island. Seriously. Let's go.

Okay. So the show opens with Island Prettiness. And then we get a recap of what happened on the last show. And then…ha, look at Andy Dick. He's funny. Shit. Okay, I guess I have to be watching the show. Feh. Okay.

Island Prettiness. "Day 13. The Final Morning." The Pan Flute of My Twitchy Calf Muscle plays as we come upon Alison and Kaya's little cave "tented environment" on the morning after. We see Kaya and Alison spooning, asleep. Alison tells us that her favorite part of the dream date was being in the cave with Kaya. Yes, I'm sure many people have enjoyed going to the "cave" with Kaya. She says that they were "alone" for twelve hours -- well, alone except for the cameraman, the boom operator, and cave guide. They talk and break bread over some candles. Then they hike some more, Alison telling us that Kaya can even look "sexy with mud all over his white pants." We see Kaya with mud all over the butt of his pants. It looks like something not so sexy. He "whoo!"s. Kaya then tells us that the date was "wild" and that Alison's not afraid to do anything and that she has all the "intangible" qualities that he's looking for in someone. We see them cuddling over some rocks; she says that this was not the typical second date and then they mumble something about feeling good and sleeping over. Or they're comparing hair secrets. I really can't make it out. I guess maybe they don't have that boom operator with them after all.

Valerie and Dano's Worst Date In The World. They eat a painfully silent breakfast. She looks a little glum so I wonder briefly if she's taken her ninety-seven vitamins for the day. How is it that the rest of us can get by on maybe a multi-vitamin and have happy lives, and yet she requires the entire pill section at Rite-Aid just to get through her morning? Dano, still wearing the same shirt, tries desperately to make small talk. Either it really is a credit to him, or it shows a lack of character that he's even willing to be in the same room with Valerie, let alone trying to connect with her. I'm really not sure which one yet. She tells us lamely that Dano has been great considering that she's simply been waiting to be reunited with Kaya. She says something to Dano about having butterflies about Bonfire. Man. You know, maybe they cut most everything out, but would it fucking kill her to, if not be fun, then to at least ask Dano a few questions about his life or apologize for being such a shit date? I mean, at the very least a quick blowjob or something. They continue to talk about Bonfire, Dano wondering if she's going to have to see the six hos there as well as her fellow Temptees. She hopes not.

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Temptation Island

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