Temptation Island
Touched By An Island

Episode Report Card
Stee: B- | Grade It Now!
Kaya's A Rock. Mandy's An Island.

So after that intense monologue of bullshit, Kaya says that despite it all, Valerie "never left." She's always there on his mind and she makes him who he is and she makes him a better man. He thanks her for giving him the opportunity to come to the island and play with the grips and the sound department guys…because now he's going to be a better man for her. He says that he's "here" more than he ever has been before, and that he loves her and she's his choice. Lord. The guitar / vocal duo of We Get It and Anyway Who Gives A Crap plays as Valerie whimpers and hugs Kaya for dear life, knowing that if a gay man who wants to live a lie wouldn't have her, probably no one would. The two leave without acknowledging our host. Alone, Mark L. Walberg slouches on his log and mentally runs down his list of ex-girlfriends he hasn't stalked in a while, wondering which one is most likely to be impressed by his newfound "fame."

Valerie and Kaya walk off in slo-mo. Graphic: "Upon their return to Miami, Kaya and Valerie locked themselves in their condo for 7 days and 'reconnected.' They have since moved to L.A. and are very much in love." Now a shot of Mandy and Billy hugging at Bonfire. Graphic: "In February, Billy moved to L.A. to pursue a career in entertainment." Of course he did. "Mandy stayed in Atlanta." Right, to do her "music." "They have a passionate long-distance relationship." Great. Now I have to think about Billy and Mandy having phone sex. Thanks a lot, Fox. Another graphic: "10 minutes after leaving final Bonfire, Andy asked Shannon to marry him." Shot of those two. "She said…fuck no, you slimy little turnip." No, of course, "…Yes! No date has been set." Then we go to black and get a photo of a couple: "Dedicated in Memory of Buddy and Kay Smith." Oh. That's not so much fun anymore.

Well. What a downer. All the couples stayed together -- at least according to the show. We didn't see any hot beach sex, and no one pushed Mark L. Walberg into the bonfire. Hm. Well, we'll look for that on Temptation Island II. See you then.

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Temptation Island




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