Temptation Island
Touched By An Island

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Kaya's A Rock. Mandy's An Island.

The girls. They walk up stairs to a hut in slo-mo as Mark L. Walberg ushers them in. The Ghostly Flutes of Fox's Impending Return to Dismal Wednesday Ratings call out a lonely plea to the Nielsen Gods as Mark L. Walberg sits the girls down. He tools the same bullshit speech, but just words it differently, throwing in triteness about final chapters and sorting your feelings and answering your questions and speaking your heart and the future of your relationship and be prepared. "The journey ends tonight," he repeats, just because he sort of needs the pain. There is a bad dub in there somewhere but I no longer have the patience to try to figure out what he actually says. There's a long shot from behind of Mark L. Walberg walking away and the girls staring off into space. Valerie looks snotty. Mandy licks her lips. Shannon is high. The Seagull of The Coming Belizean Civil War flies off and we go to commercial.

Am I the only one who thinks Renée Zellwhatever looks a whole lot better with her extra Bridget Jones weight? Much better. Ooh, hear that sound? That was Kate Winslet throwing a potted plant at Renée's image on the telly. Durr! (She's v. angry.)

Bonfire. Mark L. Walberg slinks out as the camera descends from the palm trees. Man I wish I had closed-captioning. "As we've said from the beginning, the journey for our couples has been about choices. Choices that they hoped would provide the answers to the questions that lie deep within their hearts. This has been the setting for many of those decisions. Tonight, here, they will make the most important choice: whether they will continue their lives together as couples, or leave Temptation Island alone." Andy oozes out from the trees. He greets Mark L. Walberg, who sounds very pleased to be acknowledged for once. "How are you, Andy?" he fawns. A Kaya-shiny Andy sits down and says that he's nervous. Mark L. Walberg tells him not to be nervous. Good response. Mark L. Walberg is smiling and his little chipmunk cheeks are trying so hard to look authoritative but it just ain't working. "We're down to the wire, man. We are here," says Mark L. Walberg. He then asks a question about how Andy and Shannon came here to sort of be single and see what that's like and did the experience awaken anything…Basically he says, "Talk about your experience" in a long-winded manner. Andy says that it was more challenging than he expected; he thought he'd be able to come here and just "brush off the ladies and kinda cruise through it." Brush off the ladies? Like they'd be crawling on him? Yeah, I guess that whole no-one-picking-you-as-their-favorite thing changed your perspective right quick. Or maybe it didn't. More likely it didn't. Andy goes on to lie about how close he got to Megan and how there was an emotional connection; he says that it was "deep." So deep she had to go make out with Kaya. He justifies that he was upset because Megan was "upside-down" with sadness. Now Mark L. Walberg asks Andy if he was thinking a lot about what Shannon was doing. Andy says sure, and that when they go home they will "disclose absolutely everything." Mark L. Walberg interrupts, "Assuming, of course, you both go back together." Andy wants to say, "Dude, we have an open relationship, you numskull," but instead he allows for that possibility. Mark L. Walberg looks away and remarks that Andy seems pretty confident, and Andy responds that he's "trying to be."

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Temptation Island

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