Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

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Forget It, Dude. Let’s Go Bowling.
Ellison sits alone at home, all mopey, eating food, when his doorbell rings. My VeggieTales DVD!, he thinks and goes to the door, which is kicked in, knocking him down, by ... himself! Ellison, flat on his ass, is stunned to be staring at another version of himself (with absolutely no regard for personal property). "Agent Ellison?" asks Metal Ellison, who raises a gun. This is about when I figured this was just a dream sequence. Suddenly, there is a large metal object rammed out through Metal Ellison's chest, then withdrawn, then a hand bursting through, clutching a presumably crucial piece of internal hardware. Metal Ellison collapses, revealing Chrome Artie! Ellison says, "What? Aren't you on the same side?" and Chrome Artie says, "Skynet does not believe in you like I do." Ellison's all, huh? And Chrome Artie says Ellison's going to lead him to the Connors. I hope Ellison is insulted that Chrome Artie's faith kinda stems from certainty that Ellison will destroy the world as we know it.

John, Sarah and Cameron arrive home at the Connor Compound to discover that someone has either ransacked the place, or some teenagers had the kind of house party that winds up making the local newspaper. They split up to check out the house, Sarah with her gun drawn. She doesn't find anyone, and finds the back door slightly ajar and banging against the frame. Why this makes her relax her guard I have no idea, but she lowers her gun, only to raise it again and almost blow off Cameron's head. Cameron appears unfazed, and says there's no one there.

So where's Derek? Where any good soldier should be: asleep in bed with his AWOL girlfriend. His cellphone rings, and he wakes up, grabs it, hits the redial. It's Sarah. "Where the hell are you?" she says. "Where the hell am I supposed to be?" is his non-helpful response. Sarah drops it to tell him they've been robbed of everything: diamonds, cash, credit cards, ID. Derek, having snuck out of bed, quietly asks if it was done by metal. At the compound, an annoyed-sounding Cameron says her leather jacket is gone, and John says most of the food is too, making Sarah conclude it was done by humans. Or maybe that's just what the terminator WANTS you to think! She's worried about what could happen if their IDs fall into the wrong hands. Credit-card fraud? Derek tells her to head downtown, and he'll call back in half an hour with an exact location.

After he hangs up, Jesse stirs to ask him who it was. "Real life," says Derek, and they have a little back-and-forth about whether Derek couldn't have just let it ring, like good advice from the war deserter, JESSIE.

Back at the Compound, Sarah complains that their security system didn't beep like it was supposed to, and Cameron rats out John, saying Riley climbed out his bedroom window. "Thanks," says John, and explains to his mom that she was there late watching television, and was supposed to reset it. "And yet your master plan went awry," says Sarah, and I don't think that explanation makes any sense anyway. How the hell was Riley supposed to reset it after climbing outside? So Sarah bitches at John, and he argues that the fake addresses can't be traced back, and I'd like to just ask again where Mr. New, Focused Saviour of Humanity has vanished to. Cameron says they should move to Canada, which I heartily endorse, especially if it means the possibility of seeing some bilingual terminators taking in a hockey game. And their nosy neighbour/landlord or whatever she is comes in, and she is STILL pregnant! About thirteen months along from the look of her. Maybe her name should just be Bonnie from Family Guy until further notice. She offers to call her cop babydaddy, and Sarah quickly invents some cover story about John having some trouble with some kids at school. "You know how stupid kids can be," she says, looking straight at John so he gets her point. Sarah tells Bonnie from Family Guy that she's on her way to talk to the parents right now. She and Cameron sashay out the door, and John whinily asks what he's supposed to do. Sarah tells him to get a broom.

Oh, poor Rita the paper pusher with a stack of files on her desk. Her supervisor comes over to bitch that they can't have a backlog like this. "I'll get it done. Today," she says. "I needed it two weeks ago!" snaps the supervisor. Well, you'll have to wait until time-travel is invented, then. Rita opens the next file, takes out a picture of Cameron, and slaps it on some scanner thing. And moments later, the picture's showing up on a computer screen in Chrome Artie's jeep.

Meanwhile, Cameron drives while Sarah calls the credit card company to say that her son took the credit card and the family car. Once off the phone, she bitches at Cameron, asking her why she didn't say anything about Riley to her or to John or whoever.

"I've always made my position on security very clear. And no one likes a nag," says Cameron, as if a terminator that's supposed to protect John is going to be worried about being disliked for nagging too much.

Chrome Artie shows up at child protective services or whatever this place is, and strides right up to Rita's desk, holding a picture of Cameron. "I'm looking for this girl," he says. You know, I can understand Rita expecting him to take a spot at the back of the line, but I have no idea what she means by indicating the people already in line and telling him, "These are the real, people." He tries smiling and saying he's her uncle. "And I'm Angelina Jolie," she says, and tells him to get to the back of the line. Then that idiot XXXXX in line is all, "Hey, I know that chick!" and Chrome Artie moves over in her direction.

So she plays foosball and asks why he wants her. "I'm her uncle," he tries, and she doesn't believe him, thinking he's a cop. "When you find her, are you going to hurt her?" she asks. "Yes," he says, because that's a good response from someone posing as her uncle. XXXX doesn't appear to upset by this, and asks if he's going to hurt her brother, too. Chrome Artie produces a picture of John, and asks if that's her brother. Sure is, says XXXX. Chrome Artie smiles, but it has all the joy of a skull. "Let's take a ride," he says.

There's a knock on Ellison's door. Having learned his lesson, he picks up a newspaper by the door, which will be a big help if he has to swat someone to death. It's the Los Angeles Police Department, says the voice behind the door, and Ellison says he's just reading about last night's game and asks if the cop knows who won. "The Steelers, Mr. Ellison," says the cop, clearly aware he's being tested. I guess it's a good thing the cop follows football.

Ellison opens the door, and the cop, with his partner, says he's arresting Ellison for the murder of Peter Myers, and starts to read him his rights. Ellison says he knows his rights, but just doesn't know what the hell the cop's talking about. That, surprisingly, does not prevent the arrest from happening.

Derek stands outside a security gate with Cameron and Sarah and talks to the security camera asking "Moishe" to let them in, telling a cautious Moishe that Cameron and Sarah are "new customers." Once inside, the three of them have to endure some pontificating on the Torah. "No vengeance," says Moishe, and then quoting the "eye for an eye," part, and then starts to talk about "the brothers Nablus," which is where Derek cuts him off, saying they're just looking for their diamonds. Moishe at first tries saying that business has been slow, and Derek says he talked to four other fences who said Moishe's been busy this week. So Moishe shows them all the diamonds he's acquired in the last couple of days, "all from legitimate sources."

Cameron picks one up. "This one's ours," she says. Moishe says it isn't, and even it were, she wouldn't be able to tell with the naked eye. Cameron identifies some others as theirs, which is when Moishe's muscle starts to move in menacingly. Derek holds him off, saying they don't want any trouble, just to know where Moishe got them. Moishe hems and haw

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Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

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