TWELVE STEPS TO A SUCCESSFUL RECAP
- Watch the show.
- Tape the show.
- Tape the show on another VCR at the same time because you're a goddamn moron and you will inevitably screw up at least one of the tapes and not having at least one operational tape is not very conducive to a productive recap.
- Watch the show. Again. And again. AND AGAIN.
- Wonder why you couldn't, JUST ONCE, get assigned to a show like Alias or The Amazing Race or Real World or C.S.I. or Sex and the City or at least some program that has more than three people watching it.
- Email Sars and ask if any more people have signed up for your mailing list.
- Weep silently into your keyboard when informed that your mailing list has remained steady at a whopping eight people, SEVEN OF WHOM ARE YOUR UNEMPLOYED CO-WORKERS.
- Purchase eighteen gallons of your chosen alcohol.
- Drink three gallons of it while obsessively pressing rewind and pause on your remote control.
- Edit your slurring and rambling recap while entertaining fantasies of becoming a world-renowned pastry chef or an intrepid National Geographic journalist or a professional animal trainer...
- Send completed recap to Sars approximately twenty minutes before the airing of the next episode.
- Wake up, eight hours later, with the left side of your face drowning in alcohol-soaked drool and the terrible, nagging feeling that you sent Sars an entry from your personal pathetic diary instead of your recap and realize that you actually could care less.
This is it, kids. The last one. The last Agency recap. Unfortunately, since no one is actually reading this, no one will actually KNOW that it's the last Agency recap. Luckily, I could give a shit if anyone is actually reading this. I mean, Sars is reading it, you know, because she has to. But, Sars? If you didn't have to read this thing, would you? ["Oh, sure I would! Okay, no I wouldn't." -- Sars] No, you surely wouldn't. Know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE SHOW. No one is watching the show. At least, no one who frequents Mighty Big TV. So, if no one is watching it, then why in the HELL should I recap it? I mean, Christ! I've got video games to play, unemployment checks to deposit, vodka to drink, ex-boyfriends to torture...I don't have time for this shit!