"Thrill-a-minute feature-film director Wolfgang Petersen (In the Line of Fire; The Perfect Storm) makes his foray into series television as the executive producer of The Agency, a look at the high-stakes inner workings of the CIA and the ways in which its cases and investigations are handled."

Oh, shut up, CBS.

Like the man responsible for Marky Mark's scraggly facial hair and the casting of Renee Russo and Dustin Hoffman as a COUPLE would ever be allowed to darken the doors of the CIA gift shop, let alone the actual inner sanctum. My bet is that ol' Wolfie lent his high-profile name to this little project du jour, made sure his personal assistant picked up his dry cleaning before five, told his private chef to whip up a batch of wiener schnitzel, and forgot all about the whole bloody thing.

I'm just guessing.

In case you were wondering as you watched this program (if you even watched this program) just who in the hell the characters were and what in the hell they were doing and how in the hell they got to the CIA in the first place, allow me to clear something up.

This was not the pilot episode.

The pilot episode was shelved due to the horrific events that occurred on September 11th. Why? Because the plot of the pilot episode revolved around a potential terrorist attack on Harrods of London supposedly masterminded by the one and only Osama bin Laden; obviously, this was not a storyline that anyone in power at CBS wanted to explore. And we applaud them for that.

Unfortunately, they decided to go forward with the second episode and, well, I'm so lost that I can't find the plot with a T-square, a compass, a Native American foot guide, and truckload of flares.

That being said...

Our non-pilot second substitute episode opens up with a saucy Latin beat on the soundtrack. We're in a club full of scantily clad people giving the forbidden dance a run for its money. It's hot. It's spicy. It's a lusty woman being fondled by an even lustier man as she tries to convince him to take her back to his office for some muy caliente action atop the Xerox. He tells her that won't be possible because there are sensitive things there. Sensitive things other than his wee Willy Wonka, that is. According to the subtitles in this scene, this guy's involved in the government. The woman states that she likes sensitive things, and then shows him just how much by reaching her hand down and...you get the picture. Lusty Government Guy likes the sound (and feel) of this, but still no go on the office visit.