The Agency
Viva Fidel!

Episode Report Card
Erin: C | Grade It Now!
"Intelligence" doesn't really enter into it

Just then, a creepy guy with little or no hair wanders among the dancers as the camera performs a little slo-mo action on his ass. He passes by Scruffy Dark Guy and leaves him with a garish slice through his abdomen that looks roughly like an autopsy incision, which I'm sure Scruffy Dark Guy will be needing shortly hereafter. Lusty Latin Lynx manages to get the hell outta there and pauses in an alley. She sinks down to a crouch against the wall and pulls out her cellphone.

"Valley Broadcasting," says a voice on the other end. "This is valley messenger 6691," she replies. "Confirmed. You are secure. Go ahead," is the response. "Flash message to the DCI [Director of Central Intelligence]," she says. Some guy at a computer on the other end starts typing stuff into his terminal. "Fidel Castro's going to be assassinated," she says. A sheet of paper marked "TOP SECRET" in red letters at the top of the page spits out of what looks like a fax machine.

Does that really happen? Do secret messages get spit out of machines at the CIA with the words "TOP SECRET" stated across the top for all to see? You know, if I were going to print a top secret message, I'd be damn sure the words "TOP SECRET" didn't appear ANYWHERE on the page. That's just like telling your best friend some juicy gossip about a mutual acquaintance and then swearing her to secrecy. That shit is just guaranteed to get out within 24 hours. ["From what I read, government agencies have several dozen levels of confidentiality higher than 'top secret,' all designated with special everyday-word names like 'canoe' and 'splinter.' So, yes, secret messages are classified as 'top secret,' but not if they're really top secret. Back to our regularly scheduled recap, already in progress." -- Sars]

Meanwhile, over at CIA headquarters, Gil "I Made Out With Calista Flockhart And All I Got Was This Lousy Cold Sore" Bellows is running his fingers over some indented stars on a wall. Will Patton, a lifelong member of the "Hey! It's That Guy!" club, approaches and says, "Matt? Jackson Haisley." They shake hands, and Gil says something akin to, "Hey, dude. Whassup an' shit?"

Before going on to recap their conversation, I'd like to announce that from now on, Gil Bellows shall not be referred by either his proper name or his character's name; from now on, he shall be called "Billy" because, quite frankly, that's the only name we readily identify him with. I toyed with the idea of referring to Will Patton as "Nahum," his character in The Spitfire Grill, because that name bugged the hell out of me during that movie, as did Will Patton, but I think calling him by the name "Patton" will be even funnier, as well as affording me the opportunity to dredge up wartime commentary and George C. Scott references.

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The Agency




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