Amazing Race
4 Continents, 24 Cities, 40,000 Miles

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Back to the (sucking) Windy City

These three teams get to the top of the mountain, and Kris and Jon and Hornio run up a hill. Turns out to be the wrong hill. Now that will make you tired. Neither team is happy to see that they've expended a lot of unnecessary effort, but they both get on the right path eventually. However, for not making that mistake, Nuance has moved itself into first place, and they are the first to get to the clue box at the top of North Peak. They pull a Roadblock clue, and it asks, "Which one of you is more methodical?" Oy. Phil explains that each clue comes with a "unique key," and the person who does the Roadblock has to take that key and find the lock that it opens -- out of a possible 3000 padlocks hanging along a rope. Oh, hello, hay bale luck! The locks are supposedly symbols of the eternal love of visiting couples. Pfft. I guess it beats Valentine's Day. (Booo, Valentine's Day!) The only thing I like about this Roadblock is that the person who gives you your clue at the end is called the "keymaster." Meaning, I guess, that he will eventually be tackled by Jeremy Piven, who will be yelling, "I LOVE YOU, MAN!"

Kendra takes the Roadblock, and she starts working her way through the locks. Truly a suck task. Here come Kris and Jon, and she takes the Roadblock. "Good luck, sugar!" he calls. "Sugar," hee. When Hornio comes, Rebecca takes the Roadblock, and El Hornio assures her that a monkey could do this task. Oh, monkeys. So maligned. As Rebecca and Kendra work next to each other, Kendra asks whether Rebecca saw Aaron and Hayden, and Rebecca reports that she didn't.

But here are Aaron and Hayden after all, pulling up at the mountain and looking for the shuttle. They buy entrance tickets, and then Hayden bitches at a bunch of locals, being unforgivably rude as she demands to know about the shuttle and treats them like they're idiots just because they don't understand her when she's speaking English in China. God. "Aaron, I cannot take it," she finally declares. "Where is the damn bus?"

In a moment I actually thought was sort of endearing for two chicks I don't like a whole lot, Kendra and Rebecca trade off a little dance where they're sort of going, "Lock and key, woo, woo! Lock and key, woo, woo!" That's probably what I would be tempted to do after a while, only the song would have less "woo" and more swearing. I think mine would be set to the tune of "She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain," only it would be called, "Oh, The Lock And Key Can Bite Me, Yes They Can." El Hornio, of course, bitches at Rebecca, not understanding that you sort of have to get through 3000 fucking locks any way you can, and if she needs a break, she should probably take one. His smackdown causes Rebecca to refer to him as "the key Nazi." Which is tacky, because I'm not such a fan of casual Nazi references (which makes it much less entertaining to read my email every day), but still a little funny.

Elsewhere, Kris has figured out that the key is going to go into one of a bunch of larger locks, and not any of a bunch of little ones. Kendra has found the same thing. El Hornio is yelling at Rebecca, unsurprisingly. She declares that she has to be "very Zen." By which she means, "Taking the time to bitch-slap El Hornio at this moment would only slow me down."

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Amazing Race

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