Amazing Race
Are There Instructions On Donkey-Handling?

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Taking out the trash
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!
Previously on Goodness Gracious, Grapes All Afire: Jonathan gave Victoria a noogie, which was totally hilarious, because he only handles her out of good-humored affection, get it? Seriously, it's hilarious. Why are you looking at me that way? In Corsica, El Hornio sucked it up at just the right moment, and he and Rebecca grabbed the FF and finished first. Kendra jumped up and down, just like on The Man Show, bringing great joy to everyone who's ever watched this Emmy-award-winning show and wondered why it couldn't have more Adam Carolla. Jonathan and Victoria screamed at each other some more as he explored just how many ways there are to obstruct the flow of grape juice through a tube using only your feet. Hayden: "MYYAAAHHHH!" Aaron: "Oy." Hayden: "SPEEEYOOOOO!" Aaron: "Oy." Hayden: "GRRRRREEEP!" Aaron: "Oy." The actors squabbled so much that they dropped all the way to last place, but it turned out that this was a non-elimination round. So to sum up, of the six episodes preceding the one you are about to watch, two resulted in eliminations. You want to know why the season is dragging like a Charlie Brown kite? That's one place to start looking.

Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Don and MJ bare their teeth, which turn out to be pointy. Because you know what's funny? Vampire teeth you clean with Polident.

Commercials. Wow, now they're putting battery-powered fans in an air freshener. And to think I was wasting all this time, like, washing the dishes and bathing.

"NEEP-NEEP-NEEP-NEEP-NEEP!", the music frenetically wails as we return to the green and mountainous landscapes of Corsica. Look, it's Julie Andrews and seven small children! They sure walked a long way. Phil reminds us that the pit stop for the leg was theoretically an overlook high above a port city. Of course, the actual pit stop was likely at the Scenic Overlook Hilton Corsica, but there's no point reminding the audience that the racers can now take time out from their hard-charging racing schedule to order pastries and orange juice from room service. Also, Phil is wearing drab blue-green, and his hair looks funny. I'm getting really grumpy. At any rate, the teams have now experienced their mandatory rest period, and they're all ready to begin their optional bitching and arguing period, which they will just treat as mandatory. Hayden and Aaron, Phil reminds us, had to turn in all their money, and they won't be getting any more. And sadly, I think you know Hayden isn't hiding any in her bra, as women sometimes do, for the same reason you know Aaron isn't hiding any in his tall stovepipe hat. Phil wonders aloud whether Hayden and Aaron will rebound. Try not to envision Hayden bouncing off of anything when you hear the word "rebound," not that I don't totally understand. Because I do.

12:12 AM. Hornio. El Hornio, this morning, is sporting a white hood. And considering that he's pairing it with a black sleeveless shirt? Yeah. Not really feeling it. He looks like he just got in from his rap video, which he filmed on the Stairmaster at Bally's. They read the clue, which tells them to take a ferry to Nice. Phil explains that when they get there, they'll go to the city garden, where they'll find a statue with a clue next to it. And now...unnecessary zoom! As Hornio leaves the mat, Rebecca comments that she doesn't think ferries will be leaving in the middle of the night. This is probably, somehow, El Hornio's fault. Rebecca interviews that they have "great moments" in their relationship, but they have bad ones, too. In case you didn't notice. Where they want to "kill each other." And unless you're starring in some kind of a cop/quarry flick with homoerotic undertones, the love and the wanting to kill each other don't match up so well. They adjourn to the hotel, and when they're asked about the ferry, they learn that it leaves at 11:30 the next morning. Not surprising, of course. The Department of Race Planning wouldn't want to leave any possibility that anyone could fall behind and steal any of the suspense from the last ten minutes of the show that is intended to determine the entire course of the episode.

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Amazing Race

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