Amazing Race
Check Your Tires Because…Oh God, You Never Know What'll Happen!

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Barbarians at the gate

We return to the track just in time to see Anonymous Jeff complete the lap and tell Anonymous David that the ride was "unbelievable." And they're off! I'll try to remember to mention it if they are never seen again, because I know you won't naturally notice. Josh and DadSteve are finishing up, too, with Josh having taken the lap.

In the clown car, Jon and Al lament the "long, long, long, long trip" to Marseilles. Wow, that was a riveting moment. I can sort of see why they turned to makeup and juggling and running funny.

Now at the track are Kelly and BuffJon. You'll recall that she's already laid claim to the Roadblock, which she reasserts by saying, "I have to do something" as they open the envelope. Having already committed to doing it, when she sees the clue about changing all the tires, Kelly starts pouting and complaining, which makes Jon chuckle at her. Honestly, he has no choice -- I'd chuckle at her too. AirSteve and Dave are right behind them, and the "tight space" clue makes them chuckle, because of course, they're both so, so fat! Get it? They're fat guys! And they have to squeeze...never mind. I'm so tired. Dave squeezes into a jumpsuit just as it starts to get dusky. As Kelly works on the tires, she notes the approaching AirSteve and Dave.

Kelly finishes first and squeezes herself into the car, as Jon comments that she's "the perfect size" for it. He thinks Dave will have trouble, though -- because he's so fat, get it? Ha ha ha! Anyway, Kelly takes off. As she circles the track, Jon takes the opportunity to share one of his more interesting theories with the camera. "This should, uh, take her stress level, kinda...like a woman's orgasm. They bitch about it, they're hard to come by, and when they finally get it, they're good for about a week." Wow -- if the engagement falls through, Jon should completely put that theory in his match.com profile. Because nothing gets a woman hotter than a guy who takes the attitude that her sexual satisfaction is his personal cross to bear. Oooh, it makes me all sweaty-like just thinkin' about it. I have a feeling that Viennese Beethoven-hunting is not the only circumstance in which Jon squints at a map while Kelly asks him to please get it in gear. Moreover, I have decided that Jon reminds me, more than anything, of a stupider, less strangely endearing Eric Nies, and that? Is not a promising place to be.

Kelly, oblivious to the humiliation that has just been visited upon her, gets out of the car and says the lap was "awesome." They take off for Marseilles. Kelly, of course, now won't need to get in a car for another week.

Chip and Reichen are in the lead heading into Marseilles, where it is now night. They find the gate for the port they're looking for, and the guy tells them that the gate is closed until 9:00 the next morning. They ask him how they can make themselves first in line, and he says they can't, because they can't wait by the gate. That was their first mistake; the gate guy doesn't care about the line or the rules or who's in first, so you don't ask him that. What you ask is, "Where is the closest place where I can park my car?" You do not do what the Chipsters do and head for a hotel as soon as they tell you that you cannot sit in your car directly in front of the gate. Tian and Jaree, when they arrive, do the same thing -- check at the gate, then head for the hotel.

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Amazing Race

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