Amazing Race
Check Your Tires Because…Oh God, You Never Know What'll Happen!

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Barbarians at the gate

3:51 AM. Monica and Sheree. I know this will surprise you, but Monica reveals that they are both married to professional athletes. "When we travel, people take care of us," she says. She says that they're learning to take care of themselves and each other. That's good, I suppose. But I get it, about their husbands. Really. Get it. If I ever accidentally state that their husbands are plumbers or mimes, you may all feel free to correct me. Until then? Consider it gotten. (Actually, "Mimes' Wives" would make a great team. They'd be watching some guy gesticulating wildly while trying to give directions in French, and they'd be all, "What is that? Is that 'walking against the wind'?") When they grab their cab, they tell the driver that they want the taxi to take them straight to the Salzburg airport. In the cab, they hug and squeal happily about going to Paris. Aw, they can buy souvenirs for their husbands, like t-shirts that say "French Accountants Do It By The Numbers." Wait, they didn't say their husbands were accountants?

3:53 AM. Chipsters. Chip freakishly overenunciates "get yourself to an airport and fly to Paris" as Reichen counts the money. "Paris," in particular, Chip pronounces as if it has been extracted from the phrase "my teeth and lips have been locked in this freakish grimace ever since I visited that naturopathic dentist in Paris." In their cab, a very sleepy-sounding Reichen flatly states, "We're not taking the train, we're taking a taxi." He's all battery-operated Wax Boy this morning, running on autopilot. Chip voices over that his biggest fear is that they're both so intense that they'll start bickering about who's right and they won't get the necessary work done. My biggest fear is being devoured by Chip's teeth when they come to life, grow wings, and swoop in through my window while I sleep.

3:57 AM. Tian and Jaree. In the cab, Jaree is protesting that she doesn't want something thrown away, and it sounds like she's saying it's something she won, although she could be saying "I want that" rather than "I won that." Tian says she'll buy her another one, but they're not keeping whatever it is, because it's "extra weight." Tian's holding a map, but I get the sense that they're actually talking about something else Jaree wants. I would again point out that it's a real asshole move to bring someone on a race like this and treat her like an errant child. If she's really that big of an albatross, do the race with someone else. But if this is the partner you choose to show up with? Step off, Xena.

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Amazing Race

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