Amazing Race
Clearly, I'm More Intelligent Than You

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I'm a Guay? No, Uruguay!

And who makes it to the ferry first and finds themselves in first place? Bob and Joyce, followed quickly by Donny and Alison and Kami/Karli. The first two teams try to get the ferry guy to take off before the twins are able to get aboard, but it doesn't quite work. KamiKarli (or possibly KarliKami) voices over that she was "pissed," because she didn't appreciate people trying to get the boat to leave because "the two fast girls are coming." I love people who can't talk about themselves without using some kind of complimentary adjective. It's not just that another team is coming -- it's that it's the "two fast girls." It's the same compulsion that made Heidi and Jenna tell you how cute they were every five minutes. As the boat leaves, Bob and Joyce share a nice little moment of surprise and satisfaction that they were the first on the boat. And then they smooch. Oh, the internet-assisted love.

Next to arrive at the ferry are Charla and Mirna and Jim and Marsha, who share a boat ride. Back on land, however, Brandon and Nicole and Linda and Karen are still on foot. Nicole whines that they've fallen behind, and -- yes, ladies and gentlemen, in the very first leg -- she has already handed over her backpack and he's carrying both. I really think that if you can't carry a backpack through the first leg, this might not be the game for you. She says she thinks they should "focus on making smart decisions," and he just says, "I need you to support me, Nic." She protests that she needs for him to include her. In an interview in which he is actually patting her shoulder like she's an anxious dog in need of sedation, Brandon says, "What Nicki needs to understand is that we're trusting the Lord, and he's going to protect us, and just trust that God's got our best in mind."

Oh...sheesh. You know, I generally believe in retiring jokes after a reasonable period of time, so I would have anticipated letting poor wrinkly God bathe in peace for all eternity. We've done the shirts, we've shaken our heads...you know the drill. But it can't be avoided, really, because this is exactly what I'm talking about. It is things like the idea that you can freely either walk or take a taxi because God will make sure it doesn't cause you to lose that send my blood pressure soaring. God keeping you safe? Sure. God helping you deal with stressful situations? Okay. But God having a hand in whether you walk or take a taxi? No. Just, no. Just because it's old doesn't mean it isn't still true, Brandon: God really is in the tub.

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Amazing Race

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