Amazing Race
Clearly, I'm More Intelligent Than You

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Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
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I'm a Guay? No, Uruguay!

Linda and Karen are best friends and they like to bowl together. Wait, are they air traffic controllers? Because they might have already been on this show. Someone should check their fingerprints, because it's amazing what they can do with surgery these days. Anyway, Linda says that they "always try to outdo each other," in both bowling and cooking. I do hope they keep those two things straight, because roast turkeys don't really roll straight, making it very hard to pick up the spare. Karen adds that they "go in to win." Oh, good. Nothing pleases my ear quite like peppy sayings that weakly rhyme.

Marshall and Lance are not Kevin and Drew. That would probably hold you, information-wise, but Phil does elaborate that they're brothers who own a pizza place. They promise to fight and "come close to killing one another." You know, hostility is really something that should develop naturally, fellas. It usually does for me. Coincidentally, it's happening right now. The one I think is Lance (who I secretly suspect has been overcompensating for being named "Lance" since he was in short pants) says he's "abrasive" and "loud" even though he's "never really looking to offend someone," but only "being [him]self." I have never had anyone except total assholes use that "I gotta be me, so all my behavior is pre-excused on account of inevitability" argument, so that does not bode well.

Charla and Mirna are cousins, and Mirna, a chirpy blonde with big hair, starts things off very badly by jumping down and starting off the wrong way from the truck. That is not a good sign at all. "Jump out of the truck and take a right" is a direction you should be able to successfully follow if you're thinking you're going to be able to find your way to little red and yellow flags in the middle of the jungle later. Charla has a form of dwarfism, and Mirna points out that a lot of people look at Charla and see someone short. I will admit that I look at Charla and see someone short, so up to this point, I am apparently one of the bad people. But then Mirna says that people "automatically assume [Charla's] going to be weak," and I certainly wouldn't assume that. Especially after the shot of Charla carrying Mirna on her shoulders, which is pretty cool and makes me feel like I'm standing on my head and watching The Mighty. In less auspicious news, Mirna calls Charla not only "tough" but also "feisty." I've said it before, and I'll almost surely say it again -- the word "feisty" should only be used ironically. Never self-identify as "feisty," ever. Feisty Charla says that the race will be a great chance to "break all stereotypes about little people." Keep that in mind for later.

Dennis and Erika are another of your Young Dating Couples, which are in abundant supply this year. She's very (very) blonde, while he's very (very) cute. They used to be engaged, but not anymore. Wow, that sounds...promising, if you like pain and awkwardness. Dennis calls Erika "high-maintenance," which reminds me that after "feisty," "high-maintenance" is close on my list of things that you should never say about yourself or your partner. Erika calls the show their "ultimate love test." Uh...ultimate love test? Ew. Why would you risk having to ultimately test your love on no sleep without access to Diet Coke or dental floss? Never test your love when your teeth are furry. She says the race will "amplify who [they] both really are" so that they can see if they're compatible. Why people so often want to test their compatibility in ordinary circumstances by exposing themselves to extraordinary circumstances always kind of confounds me, and this is no exception.

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Amazing Race

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