Amazing Race
Colossal Showdown

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Personal Dynamics A-Go-Go

Previously, on Please, Bruckheimer, Don't Hurt 'Em: Team Guido matched, from their smug little smirks to the shoes we all can only hope will one day be on the other foot. Uh, feet. Anyway, Loud Pushy Frank called other people "jerks," at which the National Coalition On Prohibiting Petty Insults was so offended that it temporarily lifted its longstanding ban on "takes one to know one." Karyn took it one step too far -- about six consecutive times. A train station either was or wasn't the site of deception and betrayal, depending on which side you took during the Most Agonizingly Long And Drawn-Out Debate An MBTV Forum Has Ever Conducted ["With The Possible Exception Of 'Whether Another Slayer Got Called'" -- Sars], May It Rest In Peace, Lest It Come Back To Life And I Lock It In A Closet Forever Without Food Or Water. The EDG alliance wheezed like a congested marathoner. Pat and Brenda said a classy goodbye.

Credits. It occurs to me that this thumpety-thump-bwah-dah music sounds like the theme song from a movie about espionage. Well, maybe a porno movie about espionage. (Espionage porn! Maybe it's the next big thing!) On the visual side, the highlight is Team Guido sitting in front of the fireplace, clinking wine glasses and undoubtedly saying, "Gentlemen, to evil!" (tm Mikey).

Les Baux de Provence. (I suppose that's French for "Crumbling Castle At The Top Of A Big-Ass Hill" -- Team Guido could tell me for sure.) Phil explains the rules again -- yellow flag, clumsily written clues, sealed envelopes, you know the drill. This week, the first task the teams face is to find a guy in a red hat standing under a sort of mini-Arc-de-Triomphe. Problem? The teams aren't being told what country the guy is in. They have his picture, and they have the country's flag, and they're told to start by taking a boat from Marseilles. In other words, they know the guy they're looking for, but they may have to travel great distances and suffer many hardships before they locate him. (Hey, what a coincidence! If you add "they will undoubtedly attempt contact with several moody bastards and a couple of cute musicians before they find him," those would be the rules of Miss Alli's Boyfriend Hunt!) As usual, everyone has to rot at the pit stop for twelve hours after they show up. I like to imagine that someone takes out a harmonica and entertains the group while they're waiting, or maybe that they play Scattergories.

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Amazing Race

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