Amazing Race
Counting Bears Is Not Rocket Science

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Bale out

2:53 AM. Spazpants. Victoria explains that they do bicker, because Jonathan "has his own way of doing things." She goes on: "It's one of the things that I love about him the most, because he's never boring." Never boring? Neither is putting metal pans in the microwave or dipping your feet in lye, but that doesn't make either of those things a good idea. Besides, he is boring. The notion that being an asshole is inherently fascinating is one of the big myths I'd like to see disappear, in spite of the number of poets and musicians it has apparently inspired to greatness. One domineering prick is often very much like another, and it isn't as if he invented intramarital contempt. Speaking of contempt, in the car, Jonathan refuses to believe that Victoria, as she claims, has heard of the Icebar. She tries to tell him she heard about it from her Swedish friend, but he spits, "Oh, please, Victoria." I would point out that it's hard to be menacing in a shiny electric blue shirt and what appears to be a black bucket hat.

2:54 AM. Gus and Hera. They reveal the $363 allotment of cash for the leg. Another palindrome! Discuss some more! In a speech I was sure suggested their imminent Philimination, Hera says that she's proud of her dad, who has done some things she would not have known he could do. "One thing I can say about my dad is, he's die-hard," she says. True, and yet? Walking everywhere will eventually catch up to you. And I don't actually want to see Gus literally die hard, in the arterial sense. Although I wouldn't mind hearing him say, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker."

3:06 AM. Hayden and Aaron. She says as they get into their car that they're here to win, won't go in half-assed, blah dee blah. That woman is wearing some low-riding pants. I hope the pixelizing team is at the ready.

3:07 AM. Lori and Bolo rip their clue. He complains to us that he's gotten six hours of sleep in four days, and if that's true? Bad pit stop management. You've got to sleep, dude. Just ask Millie. You do not want that ending for yourself, even if you wouldn't have her specific problem of being lost in a jungle of your own hair.

3:20 AM. Hornio. El Hornio explains to us that his ability to "take care of Rebecca" has been obscured by the fact that she's had to hold his hand so much because he's "scared of a lot of things." Like...what, like the zip line? What else has there been to be scared of? I know he's not going to say he was scared about losing the damn sunglasses. Or he'd better not. "[El Hornio] is like a five-year-old a lot of the time, and I have to treat him as such," Rebecca says. Oh my gosh, that is soooo romantic! And it's way easier to shop for Valentine's Day when your boyfriend still likes dinosaurs. She adds that she's sometimes not sure whether she's his girlfriend, his mother, or his babysitter. I think any time that question even comes up, you really do want to answer, "D," for "none of the above." In the car, she tells him not to make any mistakes with the driving. Thanks, Mom.

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Amazing Race

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