Amazing Race
Courteous? This Is A Race!

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Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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Peru-ff beyond a reasonable doubt

Previously on How To Endanger Your Franchise With One Drunken Casting Session: First, it was awwwwwesome. Then, it was great. Then it was great, except for the part where Flo won. Then, it kind of sucked. Then it kind of sucked, except for the part where Chip and Kim won. Then it really sucked, except for Kris and Jon, and especially in the parts that had shoving. So now, it is time to see whether the trend can be reversed. It's safe to say we all certainly hope so.

We swoop (yay, swooping!) over a lighthouse and a marina, and then Phil is standing on the deck of the Titanic, and Leo DiCaprio is in the water all, "I'm cooooold," and then...okay, not actually. Actually, Phil is on the Queen Mary, and we're at the Port of Long Beach, where 11 teams will go racing all over the damn place for a big honkload of money, and...well, bless its heart, even though they didn't give it a long enough vacation, I'm still happy to see it. All the teams have an existing relationship! Yay! I am patter's bitch. In other news, Phil's hair is really, really short, and is thus less spiky than usual. I can't say I'm in favor of that.

First out of the helicopter are Debbie and Bianca. One of them has red hair, but they are spiritual blondes. They are introduced as "lifelong friends from Virginia." The more redheaded one, who is apparently Debbie, says that they spend lots of time "goofing off," and calls them both "silly" enough times to choke a Doberman. By way of illustration, we see them drink martinis (wacky!) and roller skate-spin in someone's driveway wearing white tops, miniskirts, and long tube socks with stripes at the top. It is something out of a roller disco movie, and while I am not the demographic at whom this display is aimed, I maintain that it? Is stupid. Bianca promises that they are "strong" and "intelligent," and they "can win this thing." Especially the roller-skating parts.

Next up? Lynn and Alex, a pair of boyfriends! From West Hollywood, California! So, you know, GAY. Lynn, in an interview in which he kind of looks like Alex, ten years and 10,000 beers later, says that the two of them have "sharp claws." But then they promise that they only strike if you piss them off, or whatever. Because as Lynn says, they wouldn't want to "break a nail." Get it? It's a nail-breaking joke, because they're GAY. And also, they have a dog they carry, even though it's not really a carrying kind of dog. Now, call me unfairly biased; I won't deny it. But I knew Guido. I have had dinner with Guido. And you, sir...well, you get the idea. And it's cute when they're in the car and Lynn is all tousling Alex's hair, but then Lynn adds, "We'll scratch their eyes out." See, it's a catfight joke. Because they're GAY. I certainly hope that goes on all season.

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Amazing Race

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