Amazing Race
Courteous? This Is A Race!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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Peru-ff beyond a reasonable doubt

Susan and Patrick are a mother and son from Hamilton, Ohio, which I guess isn't officially called Hamilton! anymore. More's the pity. Anyway, Susan looks like a nice, suburban mom, and Patrick looks like every teenage kid who still thinks he's about 30 percent smarter than everyone else and gets all cranked about social justice but can't name any members of the Supreme Court. In their interview -- and he incidentally has Neat-Variation Creed Hair, which I normally just do not trust -- Patrick talks about how other teams will think his mother is "Suzy Homemaker" and he's "little gay guy." Of course, since he's traveling with his mother, they probably won't jump to any enormously significant sexuality-related conclusions at all without help, but...okay. And then there's a really fakey-looking clip of her baking something and him eating off the cookie sheet. They say they're "willing to lie" and they're "devious" and such, and...yet again, wrong show. Look for the scrub in the blue shirt holding the torch-snuffer, Young Patrick. And then Young Patrick tells us that they are there to eliminate the other teams one by one, and spews other irrelevancies.

Meredith and Gretchen. Meredith is the boy. Specifically, he's the boy in this retired married couple from Maryland. He explains that "old age and treachery can outperform youth and inexperience." Tr-- treachery? I tell you, the Republicans are right -- maybe the young, the gay, and the elderly really are a menace. Gretchen says she'll be "the motherly sort." And then there's a huge shout-out to one of the EEFPs (Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters) as Gretchen calls herself a "mother tiger." She says, very unconvincingly and without looking at the camera, that "the other teams are going to know that they're going to have to look out." And nothing says "rar!" like hesitating to make eye contact.

What's really hilarious is that I watch this show every week now at the home of M. Giant and Trash, along with their friend Bitter. Bitter is right next to me during the appearance of brothers Brian and Greg, and she does exactly -- EXACTLY -- the same thing I do as they emerge from the helicopter. First, for about six-tenths of a second, during the long shot of them walking, we both go, "Heeeey..." And then they cut to the interview shot, and we both go, "Oh, never mind." Except it was much faster than that. More like, "Heee -- oh. No." Because they kind of carry themselves and, weirdly, dress like they're hot, but when you see them, they're actually...not, really. Anyway. Being hot is not a requirement. They talk about how they know each other well enough that they won't argue and so forth, and then there's a great sequence of them mock-wrestling, in which one of them tries to win by pulling the other one's shirt over his head, which is how you know they're totally related. And then one of them tries pantsing the other one, and you know even more. They claim to be charming and have a talent for making friends. We'll see.

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Amazing Race

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