Whew. That pained me. Anyway, Phil Phills us in on the rules as he does every week, and he explains that, in this round, the first clue they have once they leave the Coliseum is a picture of a monument with the word "Tataouine" written on it. I immediately think to myself, "Wait a minute. Isn't Tattooine a Star Wars planet?" Then I think about what an uncultured buffoon I am. As thwappa-thwappa music plays, Phil tells us that this monument is 300 miles away -- in other words, Standard Amazing Race Taxi Distance. Believe it or not, Phil exposits that the two possibilities are that the teams in front will stay in front, or the teams in back will move up. Yeah, thanks, Phil. Where would I be without you?

4:02 AM. Good morning, Team Guido. They can't pronounce "Tataouine," but they're off anyway. They grab a cab, and the driver knows exactly where to go. Sigh. Disaster never strikes the Guidos. Theirs is a strange luck, born of wickedness.

4:31 AM. Team Shower-Fresh Scent gets ready to leave, and as they do, the Guidos voice-over their opinions of America's Favorite Frat Brothers. "They can surprise you every now and then," Joe snots contemptuously. "They're resourceful, they're pretty good and everything else, but here again, I think we're significantly better than they are." Yeah, so far your knowledge of French AND your intimate relationship with the streets of Paris AND your scheming AND your extensive traveling experience has netted you an overwhelming twenty-nine-minute lead, so don't break anything patting yourself on the back. Meanwhile, Drew's shiny head has a lovely glint from the bright light of the camera, and Kevin thinks "Tataouine" is from Star Wars, too. I knew he and I were best friends.

4:36 AM. Momily, ready for departure. "Behind [Drew and Kevin] are Nancy and Emily," continues Joe. As it did last week, the show is now using camera footage of other teams, but covering it with narration by the Guidos. Come on, what is this? Are we just determined to make it All About The Guidos? I'm queasy already. Anyway, Guido narration regarding Momily: "And, you know, we love 'em, but they're not too fast." Cut to Nancy, who's fallen, but in fact CAN get up. (Man, I haven't seen that joke since 1995 or so, and I'm not sure I missed it that much. Let's put it back in the steamer trunk in my attic, okay? There's room next to my autographed picture of Dean Cain and my baby pictures.) They read the clue, and they get a car, but the driver is being difficult for some mysterious reason. Nancy asks him to please get this show on the road, to put it plainly. (Hey, try dealing with -- wait for it -- my bank.) Nancy voices over that she and Em are opposites, but she thinks that overall, they're doing well. As Nancy gets into the cab, the driver is chortling at them. "Now they're makin' fun of us," Nancy says with disgust. Emily comments that the guys involved with the cab service can "go screw themselves." Emily! In front of your mother?