Ian is yelling at Teri to go faster. "Come on, Teri! Please!" He also says "dig it in" and "hoo-ah" and some other things that would make me throw something at him, if I were in her position. "Run!" he says. "You gotta do this now!" he says, just like he's her football coach or her domineering father. Y-U-C-K, man. That is creepy.
Next on the mat is Firecop.
Teri and Ian continue to head for the pit stop. "I'm dropping my pack," Teri moans. "No! I love you! Come on!" Ian yells. Yeah, right. "I love you." Yelled in exactly the same tone he yells everything else. I got the feeling that that was a pull-out-every-weapon-in-the-arsenal moment for old Ian. "I'll give you money! Do it for your country! My mother would do it! Wild dogs chasing you! Uh...I love you!" They approach the pit stop. Once again, they have narrowly avoided elimination. Snore. "We ran our asses off!" Ian says. "I yelled at her, I dragged her, I prompted her...we made it!" Wow. It's cool how he did all the work with the prompting and the dragging, and she didn't have to do anything, like walk or run or push a huge-ass ninety-pound barrel of wine or anything. Get a grip, Pepe Le Ew. "God Bless America!" he yells, apropos of nothing.
Now, Aahab is lost. Blah dee blah, can't find the pit stop, blah dee blah. Michael and Kathy are trudging toward the castle. She voices over that as much as she wanted to run, she just didn't have it in her. Interestingly, rather than employ the Ian Method of yelling and screaming and dragging her, Michael adopts the Michael Method, which is to hold her hand and assure her that it's fine. Excellent. Well done, Michael.
Here comes Jill Bon Vito to the pit stop. Still in seventh place. And now, here come Michael and Kathy, pretty sure they're last. She laments that she thinks they're last. "Don't worry about it," he says very genuinely. Aw. Shave that really bad beard, Michael, and we'll talk. They are the eighth team to arrive on the mat, and are very glad to hear it from Phil. Kathy was sure they were last.
And now, here come Aaron and Arianne. "Just say it isn't so," Arianne moans.
Now, we cut to Heather and Eve and Aaron and Arianne emerging from a doorway in the castle and heading for an ominous meeting. Everyone sits down in white plastic lawn chairs, and Arianne is already smirking, so we know that she already knows what's going to happen. Phil explains that although Aaron and Arianne arrived last, Heather and Eve are aware that they didn't do the last clue correctly, because they took the taxi instead of walking. Phil explains that "walk," according to the oh-so-technical rules of the game, means "to travel by foot as opposed to by car." Heh. Actually, that's what it means to me, too. Maybe I'm not smart enough for the Ivy League. ["It don't take smarts, hon." -- Sars] Phil explains that their time gained was seven minutes, and their "punitive penalty" (heh) is thirty minutes, meaning that they're penalized a total of thirty-seven minutes. Turns out the teams were spread out at the pit stop by thirty-one minutes. That means Heave is booted, by six minutes. Don't you think they wish they'd gone back when they first realized they'd screwed up, in the cab? Aaron pretends to look distraught. He is not distraught. Now he and Arianne start smirking, and oh yes, they do mean that. "We were eliminated for a mistake that anybody could make," Eve whines in an interview. Yeah. Anyone who can't read, I suppose. Aaron says sadly that they want to win, but -- oh, not like this! It grieves his heart! Not. It's so sad, because a lot of times, when a team has a humbling experience and narrowly avoids disaster, it will prompt a welcome attitude adjustment, but judging from the smirks, Aaron and Arianne will not be undergoing this particular transformation, which I was sort of hoping they would. Anyway, all of these very, very big phonies hug each other. Heather talks in an interview about how "ethically" she and Eve played the game. Er, okay. I guess maybe so, if you grade on a curve. And the only other people in your class are used car salesmen. Heather uses the word "amazing" several times in describing her experience.