Previously on Phil's Phantabulous Phrolicking Phollies: London was calling, and the teams faithfully answered, even though they were near Cancun and therefore all woozy on Hawaiian Tropic fumes. Aaron and Arianne continued to lead the HugeTiny alliance, but they traded the matching camouflage team of Jill and John "Bon Bon" Vito for the matching peach tank-top team of Heather and Eve, which sounds eerily like a trade the Phillies would have made during my tortured youth. The bizarre preoccupation of the HugeTinies with the strapping Derek and Drew continued. (Huge props to whatever editor cut the previouslys and followed Arianne's "good looks and straight teeth" comment with a shot of a twin's giant mouth, his very large straight teeth about three inches from the camera. Nice!) Eve suggested that perhaps the race would be easier if someone else carried some of her stuff, at which point the ghosts of Margarita, Margaretta, Emily, Nancy, Amie, Karyn, Mary, Peach, Tara, and a whole lot of other chicks who toted their own gear until their backs ached came out from behind European landmarks to kick her in the shins. An unlikely, opposites-attract friendship began to emerge between Derek and Drew, the conventionally pretty but surprisingly able brothers, and Kenny and Gerard, the lovably goofy but surprisingly able brothers. All the teams took buses and cabs to a town in Scotland that initially proved difficult to find -- almost as if it disappeared at the end of every day and didn't reappear for a hundred years. (Oh, come on, don't be a baby. I realize the aversion some people have to musical theater, but one Brigadoon joke won't kill you.) Teri was really not cut out for the Highland Games. Ian's hat began to permanently fuse to his head, to the point where it would not budge. Scientists arrived to study whether this might be the breakthrough that would one day lead them to the invention of pantyhose that don't droop. The lovable Dennis and Andrew were regrettably eliminated, despite a valiant dash for the Fast Forward that culminated in a tank ride and a chauffeured limo. "Who will be eliminated..." A relatively short pause allows only three generations of mayflies to hatch and mature. "…tonight?"
Credits. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, goalies get the worst injuries in all of youth soccer. Port wine is certified by the Port Wine Institute, which is currently concerned that demand for fussy wine in countries such as the United States seems to be softer than it would like. According to the Majestic Café's web site, as translated automatically by Google, "The Majestic has a heterogenea clientele today, that it goes of habituees, witnesses of the days where it only entered of fact and necktie, to the tourists, of curiosity sharpened for the traveller's guides, passing for all those that go acquiring the custom of living the coffee as point of privileged meeting of leisure and culture." Tuition at Harvard Law School for the 2002-03 academic year is $29,500. Hooked on Phonics Classic sells for $299.95. The New Oxford American Dictionary is available at Amazon.com for $35.00. The domain name "www.frenchforeignlegion.org" is currently for sale by its owner. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Have you heard about this Ghost Ship movie at all? Do you hear its grinding guitar music in your dreams? That's so funny. Me, too.