Amazing Race
Divide And Conquer

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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I hate Paris in the springtime...

First, a warm hello to everybody who's made me, or anyone, smile in the last ten days. Keep it up.

Previously on The Amazing Race: Team Guido wore matching outfits. There was more running and bad driving than in the movie Skulls, and stereotypes were firmly established to help us all understand each other a little bit better. Emily's mom said "Emily" -- or rather something more like "Imily" -- a lot. Kevin and Drew were impressed by Victoria Falls, even when it turned out not to be the name of an exotic dancer. I loved Dave and Margaretta, I hated Paul and Amie, and Loud Pushy Frank shoved his wife. Phil thinks trust strengthened Frank and Margarita's bond. I think the shoving strengthened Margarita's case for a restraining order. I got rid of Matt and Ana just before I would have started tearing my hair out at the sight of them.

Credits. Bruckheimer continues his effort to spread seizures across America.

Songwe Village, Zambia. Looking at the intro footage, it appears that the Race cameramen have gotten drunk, tied their gear to their heads, and then been thrown around by a gang of roving thugs, who probably work for the producers of Lost. Phil voices over that everybody gets to leave Songwe twelve hours after they arrived (thus answering one of the questions of last week: yes, you maintain the magnitude of your lead). The teams' next task is to make it to a route marker (the already-tiresome yellow-and-white flag) by following stupid clues like you would have written when you hid your four-year-old brother's army men. ("Your army men/are where your blue/socks sit beside/your shoe shoe shoe.") In this case, the clue tells them to find "Songwe Museum." The audience is Philled in on the fact that the museum is, in fact, only a hundred yards from where the teams begin, but they don't know that. There are no signs for the museum, and no one except the villagers knows where it is. This will be easy for Rob and Brennan to understand, I'm thinking, because they probably have been forced to find espresso bars under identical conditions.

11:23 PM. Rob and Brennan, with Brennan in a dumb small-brimmed touristy-hat that makes him look appropriately like the tool he is, leave the village. But wait, they don't! They're waiting for the members of their new alliance! It seems that Team Esquire has teamed up with Team Danza and Team Guido. Team Esquire waits at the car. Of course! Go for the car! Why stop to figure out where you're going before concluding that you have to drive in order to get there? Especially when the museum has the SAME NAME AS THE VILLAGE. Way to go, nimrods. Anyway, the boys explain to their driver that they're going to travel with other teams to be "safe." I'm not sure what they think they're trying to stay safe from, given that they're traveling with Guido and Danza. Perhaps if they need protection from their unfortunate choices in millinery or from the threat of impinging civility, they'll be safe.

We see a shot of lots of fist-fiving among the three teams in the alliance, and there is talk of keeping a "steady pace." That's one powerful alliance. I'm sure everybody else is really running scared now. "Oh, no! They're keeping a steady pace!" Loud Pushy Frank says that his word is his word. Uh, is his word. Word.

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Amazing Race

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