Amazing Race

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Hell in High Water

She's still up there after the ads, but at least now she's standing in the ankle-deep water at the slide's entrance. Canaan, sitting next to it, says all she has to do is sit down, which is not helpful. She's just going to hear that as, "As soon as you sit down, you will plummet uncontrollably to certain doom." He offers to sit behind her, and she tells him not to force her. "Why do people want to do this stupid stuff? This is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid." So now she's mad, but at least she's working through her K├╝bler-Ross. She tries to sit, but can't do it. "You will regret not doing this," Canaan says. I'm sure that what he's trying to say there is that if she backs down, she will always wonder what could have been, and will look back on this for years, if not decades, as a missed opportunity to face her greatest fears and come out the other side stronger than ever. It's totally a coincidence that it sounds like a threat.

The Globetrotters are in a pretty good mood despite being in last place. Big Easy says the other teams are "praying and wishing" for that. Mika, however, is just praying for God to hear her, as she manages to set her ass in the water at the top of the slide. Canaan's some ways off, so that's good. But after another quick check-in with the Globetrotters, he approaches her to "give her some tips," which scares her all over again. And who could blame her for being leery? "Mika, trust me," he snots, like he didn't just try to throw her down before. And then he tells her to close her eyes and sits down behind her, again trying to force her down with his body, and attempting to pry her fingers from their death grip on the handlebar. She screams in panic, and where the fuck is the lifeguard right now? Isn't this a safety violation? Canaan backs off, and Mike tells him over her shoulder, "I hate my life right now." Well, then going down the slide solves her problem, either way.

The Globetrotters are getting out of their cab outside, as Mika continues freaking out. Then they're checking the map of the water park. "Canaan, why do you hate me?" she asks from the top of the slide. "Because you're being a complete moron," Canaan says sensitively. And then he lies down on the deck as the Globetrotters show up in their trunks, all ready to go. Canaan tells Mika, "You have two minutes. Your life is gonna change in two minutes." Now, again, that sounds like a threat, but in this case, that's because it is. An interview explains what he means by that as Canaan clarifies a point in the rules: only one team can go at a time. If a team arrives while you're still there, you have two minutes to work up the nerve to take the plunge. If the clock runs out, you have to let the other team go ahead. Mika sits there mournfully splashing water on herself as Canaan finally figures out how to encourage her: "I promise you are gonna be so proud of yourself. It's gonna be worth it." Where was that supportive attitude 45 minutes ago? She seems to be actually winding up to go when Big Easy suddenly yells out, "Don't do it!" Canaan tries to tell her not to listen, but Big Easy keeps it up. "Don't hurt yourself, baby!" Canaan's like, "That's not cool, y'all," as if he's an authority on cool at this point. Finally the lifeguard says her time's up. "Step aside." Mika gets up, and Flight Time goes down without hesitation. Canaan tells Big Easy as he heads down, "Thought you were decent, Big Easy. You're a piece of crap, man." That's got to sting from a guy who tried to push his girlfriend down a water slide twice. Big Easy doesn't take the time to respond, but he interviews after the fact, "I don't like to see her cry, but it's a race." They're in sixth place now, and Canaan tells Mika he's going down without her. "Canaan, please," she begs, but he abandons her up there. "Come on, Mika," he says down below to the empty slide as the Globetrotters leave the pool. "I wish I was in Nashville," she tells the camera. "Doing anything but this." Canaan tells us, "With fear, you psyche yourself out." Look who's an expert. Finally Mika heads back down the stairs, saying, "He's gonna hate me." She should be so lucky.

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Amazing Race

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