Amazing Race
Donkeys Have Souls, Too

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Smack That Ass

Ari and Staella are best friends, also known as "Aaron and Arianne II: Louder, Spikier, and Hopefully Less Likely To Write Pissypants Emails To The Recapper Signed 'XOXO.'" Ari assures us that he will do anything to win -- anything! He then trots out the line he has been working on since his first interview, and possibly longer than that: "Karma's a bitch, but I'm a bigger bitch." Ha ha ha! That is hysterical. He should write a book and put all his little sayings down in it. I bet it would sell one million copies...to bitches!

Shana and Jennifer. Blonde. Similar in appearance. Shana is Ryan Seacrest's ex-girlfriend, which you may take as surprising news in as many ways as you'd like, of which "I bet she's, like, eight inches taller than he is" would only be perhaps number thirteen or so. "Jen and I fully plan to flirt our way through this competition," Shana declares. But she is being too subtle, and Jennifer isn't sure everyone will get it, so she says, "We're going to use our body [sic] in whatever way we need to." I'm surprised she doesn't take a boob out, draw a smiley face on it with a Sharpie, bend down to lick it, and then wave it at the camera, but she doesn't. Yet.

T.K. and Rachel. They're "newly dating." He doesn't...it looks to me like he doesn't have white person dreadlocks, exactly...he just has kind of faux hippie hair with the bandanna? Like he wants his dirty hair to look like dreadlocks? Or else they're really tiny dreadlocks? Anyway, they seem very fond of each other, and he says it was love at first sight, while she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Walking on the beach, et cetera, couplehood, et cetera. You can tell they're "newly dating" by the way they don't have a list of grievances to air.

At the Playboy mansion, the teams strut across the grounds as Phil does his usual speech about brains, brawn, and teamwork. It's always painful to see all the skipping and hopping and high-fiving and hand-jiving, and to realize just how much someone off-camera must be yelling, "Excited! You're excited! You're starting the race, and you're excited!" Because I'm sorry, but adults don't naturally jump around this much unless you taser them. And then Phil does the wrap-up, and we pull back to desert him on top of that big building. Oh, Phil.

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Amazing Race

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