Amazing Race
Don't Talk To Me Like I Was An Animal Or Something

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Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
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In my beautiful (and slow) balloon

The Bransens -- just Wally, really -- continue hammering and bolting, and then they're all done. Time to head for the salt flats. In the car, the Tonyas tell Wally how great he was. "I don't even think I did one thing," one of them says. "I tried to, like, hit it, and hit like three feet off." Now that sounds like being in bed with a 19-year-old.

The Weavers haul more coal. The Godlewskis keep working on their track. Christine annoys Michelle, who snaps, "Can I have a different partner, please? One with a smaller mouth?" Well...not if we're choosing from among your sisters, probably. Christine gets fed up and says she'll go work with Sharon, but when she approaches, Sharon snaps, "Okay, don't get in my way, please." Poor Christine. Nobody wants any help. The Weavers haul coal, and now they're all done. They get their clue for the salt flats and leave.

The pinks aren't too far from done, although they're having to tighten their bolts, and Christine is trying to show off by taking over this part of the job. The rest of them just stand around blaming Christine for ever picking this dumb Detour option in the first place. Finally, they finish their track and get the Tree of Utah clue. In the car, there is some more talk about who picked the Detour option, and Christine insists it was all of them. "Okay, Chris," Michelle says, annoyed. And the next thing you know, Christine is crying. Somebody asks her if she's crying, and she whimpers, "Leave me alone." This provokes Michelle, who, chuckling, leans over and growls at Christine. "What is that? 'Leave me alone'?" Michelle asks, incredulous that Christine is actually upset. Christine responds that she doesn't want to talk to Michelle, and says to leave her alone again. So there! She stares out the window miserably. You know, they are kind of mean to her, but she both deserves it and sort of asks for it, so it's hard for me to fully feel sorry for her.

Commercials. Didn't need to see Sky High before; don't need to see it now.

We return to the Gadzookski car, and then to a Christine interview in which she complains about the lack of "kudos" from her sisters. They really don't seem like the "kudos" types, to be honest, so I'm not sure she should take that personally, entirely. "It's my sisters' loss if they don't see it," she says, referring to her awesomeness. I don't think her sisters think the loss is...that big.

The Linzes approach the Tree of Utah, which is one of those pieces of "art" that, if you didn't know it was art, would be considered vandalism. It's basically a giant fat pole with a handful of big round green balls on it. Yes, that's it. And it sticks up out of the middle of the desert. Its installation really does have all the hallmarks of a fraternity prank. There's just no appreciating it without seeing it for yourself, so...here. The Linzes run to the clue box and pull the clue, which tells them to go to Garden City and find Rendezvous Beach. You will not be surprised to hear that Tommy requires some help with the word "rendezvous." (Again, Tommy should not be smug, because of the correlation between Can't Pronounce French Words Guy and Three Strokes Guy.) The Bransens approach, and one of the sisters notes that the sculpture should perhaps be known as "the Tree of Hemorrhoids." Yeah. It would be nice if that comparison weren't apt, but it...is. I mean, hemorrhoids aren't generally that colorful, but otherwise. As they arrive and head out toward the clue box, they pass the Linzes, who are on their way back to their car. The Bransens leave in second place. Both the Bransens and Linzes note the arrival of the Weavers, who get their clue and head out in third place.

Bringing up the rear are the pinks, who also are slightly amused by the appearance of the mighty Tree of Utah. None of the teams seems to have found that the Tree brings beauty to the landscape. It's more like..."Hey. Who brought all the Legos?" The Gadzookskis leave with their clue in last place. As they look at the map, Tricia and Christine agree that they have an idea of what they're supposed to do. Phil explains that when the teams get to Bear Lake Rendezvous State Park, they'll be camping for the night, and they'll get departure times for the morning based on when they arrive. Again. Starting at 8:30 in the morning, departure times will be fifteen minutes apart. Why are departure times sometimes 15 minutes apart and sometimes 10? Well, apparently because one thing you can say about a race like this is that you can never introduce too much total damn randomness.

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Amazing Race

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