I don't even remember what happened in this episode. I swear to God. It went on for two hours, there was drinkingâ¦okay, I will do my best. Ummâ¦there is Jamaica, and there are bad jokes about Jamaica. There is the limbo, which is maybe the coolest Roadblock ever. There areâ¦onions? Right, something about chopping onions. And a Detour that gets everybody building rafts, and then they all go to Puerto Rico, and then Miami. The long and the short of it is that Uchenna and Joyce get a zillion hours behind and get saved by an enormous bunch, and then they get aced out by Rob and Amber for a flight but manage to get the plane pulled back to the gate after it has already pulled away, which is unusual indeed. In short, they are privy to an explosive outpouring of good luck that allows them to stay even with Rob and Amber all the way to Miami and then beat them out on a taxi ride. It's not the most rational or merit-based of endings, but then, they rarely are, and it's hard not to find the ending perfectly lovely and wonderful, given that Rob and Amber don't need the money, and Ron and Kelly are even worse in this episode than they were previously, and they just don't like each other anymore. Soâ¦yay?
Previously on The Season Is Long, But Compared To The Apprentice, It's Like Listening To The Flight Of The Bumblebee: In a season that feels like it's been going on since before any of us was born, eleven teams started out on a worldwide journey in which everyone else was so tired of Rob and Amber that they could do little else but talk about it all day long. The locals? Friendly! The locations? Beautiful! The controversy? Extensive! Seriously, people. It's the first season in which anyone ever wrote to inform me that because I like a different set of reality show contestants than she does, I deserve to wind up with a boyfriend who beats me. Because after all, not eating four pounds of meat is not honorable, and if you don't agree, I hope you get assaulted! Ha ha ha! Anyway. It's been about like that, in and out of South America, South Africa, India, Turkey, London, and the like. And now, it is almost over.
Credits. I love how there's a spitting llama crammed in there right near the end. Take that! Ptui! [BOMP.]
Commercials. Oh, Advil. Thank you for all the rich, marvelous feelings of numbness you bring to my life.
Rather brilliantly, our return to London begins with a nifty shot of a couple of Union Jack umbrellas, which strike me as something probably too dorky for actual Londoners to carry, even though I guess there are probably places where you can see American flag umbrellas. Carried by dorks, but still. Anyway, Phil welcomes us back to London, which Phil explains is "a city rich in history." I always am tempted to call bullshit on that description, because don't all cities have the same total amount of history? As Phil strolls along the Thames, looking so smoking hot that one of us may combust shortly, he explains that we left our story at Potter's Field Park, the tenth pit stop on a racearoundtheworld. We review the arrivals, and then watch the teams share a toast in what would certainly appear to be a pub. Rob asks Uchenna and Joyce and Ron and Kelly which of them will be finishing second, and Joyce is all, "You are!", only she says it kind of too cutesy, which makes it less effective. She should've looked at him dead in the eye and said it straight. Because that? Would have been awesome. On the upside, she does seem to be less and less self-conscious about her bald head, which she is now letting fly on more and more occasions. Down with the bandanna! Bald Joyce rules all! Phil wonders whether Uchenna and Joyce can get out of last place, and whether Ron and Kelly can fix their relationship problems. I'm thinking we're definitely just hoping to bat .500 on that question, and I won't go any farther than that.